“We should get together sometime soon”, “yeah definitely, we’ll make plans”.
“Hey we should go for lunch or grab a cup of coffee, I haven’t seen you in forever”, “I know, I’ve been super busy. That would be nice”.
“Look how much your baby has grown!” “I know, it goes so fast! We need to get together for a play date soon….”
We’ve all been a part of these conversations and we all know where they lead.. no where! The plans are never made, the coffee drank alone as the babies continue to grow faster than weeds with no scheduled play dates.
I think for the most part, it’s not that we don’t want to hang out with these people and we actually are busy. We’re moms with young kids, some in school, some not, some in full day school the others in half day. Some of us work, some don’t. Add to that husbands schedules that are more than just Monday to Friday and it can be hard to get out. Or if you’re single you don’t have the partner there to watch the kids while you get out for that coffee, sans kids.
It’s hard to find time for everything - we all need some alone time to just relax and maybe even do a hobby. We all need date nights with our husbands (or again, if you're single you might want to go on a date once in awhile). We need time with our own friends and we need time with couple friends. We need time for our families. We need time to prepare and cook meals and time to clean the house. And most of us have activities that our schedules must work around, from school to dance to swim to sports.
I am not here to say life is not busy.
I’m not here to say that we’re not stressed or overwhelmed.
I’m not even saying that some of us aren’t just a little… ok maybe a lot… sleep deprived.
But let us be really honest for a second. If something is important to us, we make the time for it.
I am having a hate relationship with mornings right now. The kids aren’t sleeping well, I’m tired, I’m up late, I toss and turn and wake up sore, and I just want to sleep in in the mornings. But then comes Sunday and I make myself get out of bed early enough to look decent, get the kids ready and head off to church. Why? Because church is important to me.
I am trying more and more to get my butt up early in the mornings so that I can go to morning bible studies and moms groups and to get into a better morning routine so that I am not stressed and pressed for time every day because we’ve slept in. But if it’s been a really long, hard night and I need that extra half hour of sleep, I am being extra lazy, or the kids are being extra terrible, I sleep in and we stay home from different activities. But when it comes to Sunday mornings, despite a bad sleep, I get up to go because it is important to me.
This year I want to deepen my relationship with God, which means carving out some quiet time. This is not going to be easy for me and it’s been a struggle. But I know that if it is important to me, I will make it a priority and I will find the time. This will mean either going to bed much earlier so I can get up before the kids to get some of that precious quiet time, or it will mean taking out some screen time. What I have to decide is, what is more important to me? Quiet time with God or TV? In the end, no matter what I say, it will be my actions that speak the loudest.
I am overweight, never exercise and my eating habits are terrible. I want to feel better physically, I want to lose the extra pounds around the middle, I want to be stronger physically and I want to eat better and ultimately feel better. So far my laziness and lack of self control haven’t gotten me there.. Darn! I do know though that, if I want to get in shape, eat better, sleep better and feel better over all, I need to put in the time and effort. I need to intentionally practice self control, put down the spoon, buy fruit and veggies instead of chips and ice cream, and exercise more. I know that the things that are worth doing take time and effort. I know that a great life doesn’t just happen but we must work for it.
We have to be intentional.
And just like I am not going to lose 20 pounds by sitting here saying and thinking things like “I need to eat healthier and exercise more”, “one day I will go to the gym”, “I feel crappy. Someday I will eat healthy”, my friendships are not going to grow saying things like “we should hang out sometime”.
When something is important to us, we make time for it. We get intentional and we make it a priority. If we already have a friend and we say that person is important to us, we will make the time to see them. Or if we have an acquaintance that we would like to spend more time with and develop a stronger friendship, we will make the effort to make that happen.
Are we busy? YES!!! Do unexpected things happen, like a cold or flu, a dead car battery or a really rough night that requires a lazy day? YES! Life happens. We need to walk in grace and forgiveness and understanding. But if we want lasting friendships that go beyond the quick Sunday conversations after church or while juggling babies in Sunday School, and a quick hello as we pass by in the grocery store, than we need to be intentional. We need to go for those coffee dates, even if you only have half an hour between dropping kids off at an activity. Or a two hour lunch date once a month. Or if you have kids around the same age, get together for that play date so you don’t need to find a sitter.
I know there are other things I’d rather do most days than being social. I drop my daughter off at school and I think, I could go shopping, or if my younger kids both just happen to nap at the same time I could watch some TV while I work on a knitting project. I could take that 3 hours to prepare snack and dinner for that night and clean up a little. There is a lot of things I could fill that 3 hour window with, while my daughter is at school, most of which are antisocial. But what is one afternoon once a week? Or twice a month?
I want to develop stronger friendships with the people in my life. I am tired of being alone all the time. But friendships take work and sacrifice.
I think it’s incredibly sad that I have lived in the same, small(ish) town for 5 years and in that time I have always gone to the same church, yet I don’t have any close friends here in town. I know a lot of people and have gone a little deeper than just an acquaintance with several, thanks to bible studies and moms groups, but I still feel like I don’t have any really close friends. (I am trying to be less antisocial and go out to bible studies, moms groups and women's events when I can).
I have one friend from high school that I would say is my best friend right now. We don’t live in the same city and only see each other several times a year. We’re in different stages of life (I am married and have 3 kids, she’s in a serious relationship without kids) and we’re both busy - me with kids, her with working in camp 21 days on, 7 off. Thanks to technology, we are able to stay connected. It still takes work and intentionality. We hand write each other letters, on average every few months. We text almost daily, plus there’s email and even Pinterest. We share a lot through technology and the few times a year we actually get to see each other, we get to pick up right where we are with little catch up, because we’ve been intentional to stay in touch. Side note - I find this even more impressive because she doesn’t have Facebook. “Hey we should go for lunch or grab a cup of coffee, I haven’t seen you in forever”, “I know, I’ve been super busy. That would be nice”.
“Look how much your baby has grown!” “I know, it goes so fast! We need to get together for a play date soon….”
We’ve all been a part of these conversations and we all know where they lead.. no where! The plans are never made, the coffee drank alone as the babies continue to grow faster than weeds with no scheduled play dates.
I think for the most part, it’s not that we don’t want to hang out with these people and we actually are busy. We’re moms with young kids, some in school, some not, some in full day school the others in half day. Some of us work, some don’t. Add to that husbands schedules that are more than just Monday to Friday and it can be hard to get out. Or if you’re single you don’t have the partner there to watch the kids while you get out for that coffee, sans kids.
It’s hard to find time for everything - we all need some alone time to just relax and maybe even do a hobby. We all need date nights with our husbands (or again, if you're single you might want to go on a date once in awhile). We need time with our own friends and we need time with couple friends. We need time for our families. We need time to prepare and cook meals and time to clean the house. And most of us have activities that our schedules must work around, from school to dance to swim to sports.
I am not here to say life is not busy.
I’m not here to say that we’re not stressed or overwhelmed.
I’m not even saying that some of us aren’t just a little… ok maybe a lot… sleep deprived.
But let us be really honest for a second. If something is important to us, we make the time for it.
I am having a hate relationship with mornings right now. The kids aren’t sleeping well, I’m tired, I’m up late, I toss and turn and wake up sore, and I just want to sleep in in the mornings. But then comes Sunday and I make myself get out of bed early enough to look decent, get the kids ready and head off to church. Why? Because church is important to me.
I am trying more and more to get my butt up early in the mornings so that I can go to morning bible studies and moms groups and to get into a better morning routine so that I am not stressed and pressed for time every day because we’ve slept in. But if it’s been a really long, hard night and I need that extra half hour of sleep, I am being extra lazy, or the kids are being extra terrible, I sleep in and we stay home from different activities. But when it comes to Sunday mornings, despite a bad sleep, I get up to go because it is important to me.
This year I want to deepen my relationship with God, which means carving out some quiet time. This is not going to be easy for me and it’s been a struggle. But I know that if it is important to me, I will make it a priority and I will find the time. This will mean either going to bed much earlier so I can get up before the kids to get some of that precious quiet time, or it will mean taking out some screen time. What I have to decide is, what is more important to me? Quiet time with God or TV? In the end, no matter what I say, it will be my actions that speak the loudest.
I am overweight, never exercise and my eating habits are terrible. I want to feel better physically, I want to lose the extra pounds around the middle, I want to be stronger physically and I want to eat better and ultimately feel better. So far my laziness and lack of self control haven’t gotten me there.. Darn! I do know though that, if I want to get in shape, eat better, sleep better and feel better over all, I need to put in the time and effort. I need to intentionally practice self control, put down the spoon, buy fruit and veggies instead of chips and ice cream, and exercise more. I know that the things that are worth doing take time and effort. I know that a great life doesn’t just happen but we must work for it.
We have to be intentional.
And just like I am not going to lose 20 pounds by sitting here saying and thinking things like “I need to eat healthier and exercise more”, “one day I will go to the gym”, “I feel crappy. Someday I will eat healthy”, my friendships are not going to grow saying things like “we should hang out sometime”.
When something is important to us, we make time for it. We get intentional and we make it a priority. If we already have a friend and we say that person is important to us, we will make the time to see them. Or if we have an acquaintance that we would like to spend more time with and develop a stronger friendship, we will make the effort to make that happen.
Are we busy? YES!!! Do unexpected things happen, like a cold or flu, a dead car battery or a really rough night that requires a lazy day? YES! Life happens. We need to walk in grace and forgiveness and understanding. But if we want lasting friendships that go beyond the quick Sunday conversations after church or while juggling babies in Sunday School, and a quick hello as we pass by in the grocery store, than we need to be intentional. We need to go for those coffee dates, even if you only have half an hour between dropping kids off at an activity. Or a two hour lunch date once a month. Or if you have kids around the same age, get together for that play date so you don’t need to find a sitter.
I know there are other things I’d rather do most days than being social. I drop my daughter off at school and I think, I could go shopping, or if my younger kids both just happen to nap at the same time I could watch some TV while I work on a knitting project. I could take that 3 hours to prepare snack and dinner for that night and clean up a little. There is a lot of things I could fill that 3 hour window with, while my daughter is at school, most of which are antisocial. But what is one afternoon once a week? Or twice a month?
I want to develop stronger friendships with the people in my life. I am tired of being alone all the time. But friendships take work and sacrifice.
I think it’s incredibly sad that I have lived in the same, small(ish) town for 5 years and in that time I have always gone to the same church, yet I don’t have any close friends here in town. I know a lot of people and have gone a little deeper than just an acquaintance with several, thanks to bible studies and moms groups, but I still feel like I don’t have any really close friends. (I am trying to be less antisocial and go out to bible studies, moms groups and women's events when I can).
My friendship with her is important to me, so I make the effort to stay connected - and thankfully she reciprocates.
I go on Facebook and I see the things people are sharing. The good, the bad, the ugly. Let’s be honest, people tend to put their best on social media. But every once in awhile I see the heartfelt posts, the “things are not going to well today” posts, the really honest, brave posts. And I see those and I am glad I can connect with people near and far and share in their joy and in their pain. But how connecting is it, really, to read a few words on a screen without ever having the personal, face to face connection? How deep can you go in a text or private message?
I find that it is easier for me to “open up” behind the safety of a screen. If things get a little to uncomfortable, or I strongly disagree with you, or things get a little heated, I can just “walk away” from the conversation. Or I can push my point, even be mean, and not feel the consequences as strongly, because I am not actually face to face with these people. It’s incredibly hard to be open, honest and vulnerable with the person sitting beside you, or across from you.
I am finding, more and more, that I want real life, face to face connection. It’s a lot harder than hiding behind a screen and a hell of a lot scarier too. It’s more work - it may take you 10 minutes to read this, which took me maybe an hour to write - and you may feel a connection to what I am saying, agree, share the post, whatever, then you’ll move on and forget about it a week later.
Real life friendships and connection take time and effort. Connection won’t happen over one conversation or in one afternoon. It takes many play dates, coffee breaks, lunches… it takes doing life together. It takes coming over for meals and rejoicing together over our victories. It means sharing our struggles and praying together. It means being there for one another during the hard times. You build a relationship by being there, by bringing over meals or babysitting when you know they need a break. You build friendship by helping one another, which means humility and vulnerability on both parts.
Some days you just want to stay home, ignoring the world and praying your problems will go away. I think we all need those kind of days once in awhile, and that’s ok. But we’ll never grow, be stretched or mature if we’re always hiding behind closed doors and screens. Maybe you’ve been praying for an answer to a problem you’ve been having, and God has your answer out there, but you just want to stay inside and ignore the world. You’ll never find your answers ignoring the world, no matter how tempting it might be.
Relationships, like all of life, grow because of intentionality on every ones part, stepping out of your comfort zone and putting yourself out there.
Personally, I know that I need to put in the work to put myself out there, make the effort to go out to different events (I feel like I’m dating again LOL) and I need to be willing to open up and share. And I need to learn to not be so awkward, if someone opens up to me. I need to be intentional and just pray that I meet someone else who is in the same place I am (looking for a good friend) who is also willing to be intentional. And just maybe my husband and I will be able to find another couple that we get along with, where we all share a few things in common (not too many things because that would be boring!), who are also willing to be intentional.
My challenge to you this week, this month, in this new year, is to be intentional in life, to stretch yourself, to step outside your comfort zone, and go make a friend. Either make some time for an old friendship that has drifted apart, or even go make a new friend!
We’re all busy and we don’t have time to have a dozen super close, tight, awesome friends, but we all need 1 or 2 good friends we can turn too, and better yet at least one other couple (if you’re married) that you can get support from when it comes to marriage struggles.
Go - be a good friend. Be intentional. Live life on purpose.
