I'm Tired

I'm tired.
And I don't mean physically, though I am physically tired. I would say on most days I am feeling more rested then when I was pregnant but being physically tired now doesn't help my emotional state one bit.
Mostly I am emotionally tired, which is much harder to deal with then the physical side.
Health wise, I don't feel too good. My asthma has been bad lately - I am thinking due to stress - and I am constantly using my inhaler, which is not helping my sore throat. And my allergies have been bad for awhile and I get an itchy mouth, throat and ears, and I really need to see a specialist. My skin has been very dry, especially around my mouth, which is also red and itchy and looks terrible. I need a lot of help from a lot of different specialists, when it comes to my body and health.
These health issues and frustrations just add to my mental fatigue and all the issues I have been having. People ask me how I have been and all I can really say is "ok", "fine", "good" because, well, what else do you say? What else can I say? I go to Walmart with a list of things I know I need to get, and I just wander up and down the aisles, feeling lost, because I can't remember a single thing, and I just keep repeating in my head "ok, what else was it I needed?". On a good day I remember to add everything to my list of things I need, but usually I am busy yelling at kids or feeding a new born, or zoning out on the computer or watching Netflix, that I forget what I need to add to my list.

I'm tired.
I am tired of yelling! During my very short delivery, the doctor got more hands on than I was expecting, and I let out a bloody curdling, ear piercing scream, that left my throat sore and scratchy. That was 24 days ago and it hasn't gotten much better. My throat hasn't had much time to actually heal, because I haven't stopped yelling since I got back from the hospital.
I hate yelling at my children. I hate seeing the results of yelling at my children (And the dog) - they yell at me, they yell at each other, they yell at the dog. It's constant yelling from everyone in the house. I try to ask or tell the girls things nicely, calmly. I try to explain. I try to be patient. It just doesn't work! I feel like I have to scream and yell to get my point across, which prompts my oldest to ask why I am mad at her, or to say I am mad at her sister and not her. It's terrible. I don't want my kids growing up thinking that I am mad at them all the time, or thinking that yelling is an appropriate way to communicate. I just have no idea how to teach them what the words "no", "wait", "don't do that", "stop", etc, all mean. It's hard for me to do much physically when I am sitting down and breast feeding. When I say "don't open the door and go outside", I want them to hear my words and obey them! When I say "get out of the dishwasher" I want them to get out of the dishwasher. I don't want to have to resort to yelling and spankings. When I say "no you cannot go play downstairs, please close the door" I want them to listen! When they don't listen, it adds extra stress in my life. I don't want them running out the door and getting hit by a passing vehicle, I don't want them to cut their hand on a sharp knife or break a glass from the dishwasher, and when they open the basement door, they allow the dog to go down there and then I have to get up and chase her back upstairs. It's all very annoying and very stressful. I guess no means no, unless it's from a parent to a child, then no means absolutely nothing! 
      I know, I know, this is every single parents struggle. Every parent has to deal with this issue on some level or another. I know I am not the only one who goes through this. I guess with recently being pregnant and now having a new born, it's just been more exhausting and irritating than usual with the lack of sleep.  

I am tired. 
I'm tired of my girls fighting. I am tired of hearing them yell at each other and of them complaining to me about what the other is doing. I am tired of the younger one hitting, biting and pulling the hair of the older one. I am tired of the older ones attitude. I am tired of the constant battle that is parenthood. 
I know that every parent deals with these kinds of issues at some point, but when I am out I see so many kids that are calm, quiet, reserved, gentle, and who listen to their parents the first time, and I can't help but think, where am I going wrong? Why does every, single, tiny, little thing have to be a battle? I see how well my daughter listens to my friend/roommate who helps me out a lot with watching the kids. She seems to listen with little to no problems at all, and always wants to be around her. Where am I going wrong? I have to plead with her all the time to just brush her hair, she goes downstairs and comes back with a pony tail, braids, whatever. Why??? Clean up is a fight, my friend tells her "clean up all your toys and then come down and play" and my daughter jumps up and starts cleaning! 

I know every parent feels inadequate, I know every parent feels judged on some level. I know all of us parents are trying as hard as we can, and there are times we will fail, there are times we'll yell, there are times we will just want to run away from it all. It's hard! Whether you have 1 kid, 3 kids, or more, parenting is tough work.
I know that the house will be messy, that it will take 10X long than it should to get out of the house, I know that siblings fight, and I know sleep is scarce is a little one.
I know, I know, I know...
I'm just tired.…

40 Weeks 6 Days... Who Knew?

My last blog was 39 weeks down 1 to go. I had no idea that almost 2 weeks later, I'd still be sitting here, large and very pregnant! 
     I've never gone past my due date before, so it never crossed my mind that my 3rd pregnancy in under 4 years would go over...and certainty  not by at least a week. 
I wouldn't care so much except the fact that my mom took time off work, flew here for 4 days to meet the newest grand baby and to help me out. She definitely did help me out, but she did not get to meet the baby (a huge disappointment for me - especially since this would be the first time my mom would get to meet one of my kids so soon after being born). I tried what I could to have this baby before Sunday, before my mom flew home, but now that she is gone, I am trying to stay pregnant for the next two days, cause my husband starts his week off on Wednesday. And I have until Friday to be induced. 
It's been a crazy and emotional extra 6 days. I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired and my thoughts and emotions cover a wide range of feelings. 
I knew I wanted a 3rd baby and planned to have this baby sooner (3 months ago), but now I am just nervous about being the mom to 3 young kids. I was so excited, and nervous, throughout the pregnancy, but as the end has come...and gone past... now I am just more nervous then anything.  And, though intellectually I know this can't possibly be true, part of me wonders if I am some how stopping myself from going into labour. That I am so scared and nervous, my brain won't allow my body to even start the process. Like having a shy bladder or something - I feel "labour shy". And though the pain results in a beautiful baby and is all worth it, I remember the pain of my second daughter and so I keep thinking "I want to go into labour....no, no I don't... of course I want to have this baby, but I don't want the pain... yes I do.. No I don't..." My second came "sunny side up" and I am super nervous about that happening again. And to top off all of that, being a week over due,  I am nervous this baby is going to be huge! My two daughters were relatively small - 6 lbs 11 ounces and 7 lbs - so in reality this "big" baby may be closer to the 8 lbs mark, but my over active and sleep deprived brain is picturing more of a 10 lbs baby. 
    I am also starting to get worried that this pregnancy is going to end in a c-section. Of course I want this baby born safely and want what's best for baby and me, but I really don't want it to end in a c-section! C-sections are hard to recover from and I have 2 toddlers running around, plus a new born, and my eldest starting school next week, and though my husband is a great helper, he'll be working long days. I know that just because baby is snug as a bug and taking it's sweet time entering the world, does not automatically mean a c-section. It's just one more of the worries going through my mind. 
And it doesn't help that I am up every 2 hours during the night and most nights I'll be up for 2-3 hours straight (like 430am-630am) and when I am lying down it's hard to breath and hard to get comfortable. So all my fears and worries are multiplied from lack of good sleep.  
I also feel like the whole entire world is watching me. In reality it's mostly just my parents and in-laws, but of course everyone on Facebook, those at the church who know me, all of my family and my husbands co-workers are all watching, waiting, or asking questions. It's adding to the "labour shy" - I have stage fright, OK!! And people keep worrying that my water is going to break at any moment and makes me feel like once that happens I'll bee 100% useless. I've never had my water break on it's own before, the doctor has always done that near the end of my labour. And even if my water did break, I am fully capable of stopping whatever it is I am doing (even pulling over if I am driving) and calling the necessary people to come and help me. There are things I haven't been doing much of because of the discomfort or pain from being pregnant, but I'm not broken!! And the people who need to know, will know, when I go into labour  and when the baby is born, followed by the official Facebook announcement! 
Even with all the stress, emotions and anticipation, I know that whether it's in a few hours from now, or in another week, soon this pregnancy will be over - and I do enjoy being pregnant and am soaking up feeling the baby moving around inside while I still can - and before I know it this little one will be in my arms and all these worries will mean nothing and will be replaced by a whole new set of worries and joys. 
This is a whole new experience for me and all I can do is take it one day at a time, and try not to psych myself out with every little cramp, back ache, or pain and continue to remind myself that nature will do it's thing, and if not I am on the induction list and will be induced by Sept 4th at the latest.
No matter what happens, I know that God is in control and this baby will come in His perfect timing, (obviously not in my preferred timing!) and everything will be ok.
Deep breaths, deep breaths!!! 

39 Weeks Down, 1 To Go.

My blog is called The McMurray Mama, but mostly I just write what's been on my mind and heart, and not necessarily about McMurray, mama things, or being a mother in McMurray.
Sitting at 39 weeks pregnant with Baby #3, I was thinking, maybe I should write more about being a mom and my journey into becoming a mom.
I must add that, although far from my family, I do enjoy being a mom in Ft.McMurray. It has its challenges, like being away from family and, being pregnant, the shortage of OBGYN's in town is definitely felt. But being in a town with a population around 100,000 with around 100 babies being born here every month, there is no shortage of things to do with your little one, or new moms to meet.

There is the support of  the local churches - the church I attend seems to have a wave of babies every year or so - as well as places like The Hub and so many resources I haven't yet needed or taken advantage of.
There are so many parks here, including water parks, as well as indoor  parks at the YMCA and Mac Island, as well as the library, which I love to go to with my kids. And although I am not a fan of wrestling young kids in huge crowds, there are tons of events happening all year around, which are great for families.

            My journey into motherhood started in Ft.McMurray when I was 23 years old and had been married for 11 months. We weren't yet trying to start a family, but I guess God decided the time was right, and one month before celebrating our one year anniversary, I got pregnant. Although, it wasn't until the month after that I confirmed the pregnancy and an ultrasound showed that I was 8 weeks pregnant.
Honestly, I was scared. I knew I wanted to have kids some day, but the idea of kids and the reality of kids, are two completely different things! My husband took the news better than I did, actually! I was excited but mostly scared and feeling unprepared. We were still living in my in-laws basement! Though we did move into our own place a month later.
I conceived in April 2011 so I suffered the worst of the morning sickness and ickiness of pregnancy during the summer and spent the larger months of pregnancy during the winter.
Since April of 2011, 52 months have passed. In those 52 months I have been a mom for 43 of those months and I have been pregnant a total of 27 of those months. It's crazy to think about how much can happen and change in 4 short years.
Though living in Ft.McMurray, we decided to have our first child in Edmonton. I was due in January of 2012, just a few weeks after Christmas. Since the roads are terrible during the winter and we'd already be down in Edmonton for Christmas anyway, we decided to just stay in Edmonton until after baby was born.
The last couple weeks of my pregnancy, I had an ultrasound every week because my OBGYN was nervous that I was measuring small. 2 days before my due date, I had no signs of labour - only the fact that I was 2cm dilated a week before my due date, which, let's be honest, doesn't mean anything - and I went in for yet another ultrasound. There they discovered that I had low fluids and sent me over to the hospital for induction. I woke up that morning to a phone call to come in for an ultrasound, with no thoughts of actually having a baby yet. I was still 2 days away from my due date, and most first time moms go past their due dates - and I told my OBGYN that I did not want to be induced unless medically necessary. Now here I was heading over to be induced. I was so not ready for this. My husband was an amazing support to me the entire time.
Labour and delivery went smoothly. I was induced around 10 or 11 that morning, January 10th, and was told I'd be having the baby that day or during the night.
Contractions hit hard around 7pm and I got an epidural. By 9:15pm, our first baby, a little girl, entered this world, making me a mom! I was still in shock. I couldn't believe it!! I was now responsible for this tiny little person. What in the world was I going to do?
The next day, as we got ready to leave the hospital, I held up our little girl and asked my husband to take a photo and I said "like mother, like daughter" and promptly burst into tears. They warn you about this - the crazy post pregnancy emotions - and it was then that it really hit me, I am a mom, I have a daughter. She is going to look up to me for everything!!! Such a powerful and very scary moment. And in the 3.5 years since then, it's been a crazy, emotional, fun, stressful and eye opening time. Being a mom stretches you and tests you in ways you could never imagine.. and it's only been 3.5 years! There's many more years of stretching, testing, and maturing to come.
            After our first turned a year old, I felt ready to try for another and when our daughter was 13 months old I got pregnant with our second. It was February, so again, we were expecting another winter baby, this time in November, just 3 weeks before my birthday. This time labour started on it's own and our second daughter was born 3 days early. The labour seemed much longer and a lot more painful than the first time around, which surprised me. I dilated to 9.5cm and stayed there for about an hour and a half before finally reaching 10cm. She came out "sunny side up" - ahhh, that explained everything!
When our second daughter was 9 months old, I decided I want to try for Baby #3. I didn't get pregnant as quickly as I had the first 2 times, and ended up getting pregnant after our daughter turned a year old.
I must say I am thankful for God's timing over my own, because our second daughter has been more of a handful than I was expecting. Not to say she is extremely difficult, just more than I was prepared for, with temper tantrums that include smacking her head, hard, against the floor, wall, whatever she can!!
Now I am 39 weeks, 2 days pregnant with Baby #3 and I have a doctors appointment in an hour, where they will do a membrane sweep. I am expecting that I will go into labour by the weekend. I am so excited, and ready to hold this baby, and at the same time, I am nervous and scared and in some ways will miss being pregnant.

My journey into motherhood was unexpected, but again I am thankful for God's timing over my own. Of course I love each of my children, and I am thankful that I have been able to have 3 kids before turning 30 - I figured if we do end up having a large family (4 or more), starting before 30 was in our best interest.
Being a mom has been rewarding and challenging - scary and exciting. I am looking forward to this next step in the journey of motherhood with Baby #3 expected at any moment!!! 

Duggar Family Dilemmas

News of Josh Duggar sexually molesting 5 young girls 13 years ago hit the fan while I was on vacation with my family. I read the articles as they came up and after getting back home, I bought and read the magazines. I kept up with the news, because anyone who knows me, knows I love the Duggars, but I have, for the most part, refrained from saying anything. I have been thinking about it since May, but haven't fully worked out what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it, I have been busy, and I have been lazy when it comes to writing.
Now, 2 months later, it seems like all the hype over the Duggars has settled. TLC has decided to cancel the show, and that's that. Everyone has moved on with their lives, complaining about a dentist and a lion, which will also blow over in a week or so.
When it comes to the lives of the rich and famous, things are interesting for about 5 minutes, then we all move on.

          I had heard about the Duggars before,  and when I was younger I watched the one hour TLC special and I think it was 14 Kids and Counting at that time. I never kept up with them, until last year I saw their show on Netflix and got totally hooked.

I know it's TV, I know that even though it's "reality" we don't see everything, but I loved how humble all of them seemed to be, I admired their strong convictions that they appeared to be living by, and I loved how well everyone seemed to get along (that's definitely "reality" TV right there). I have even read the book the 4 oldest girls wrote - Growing Up Duggar - and I have a copy of the book the parents wrote, but haven't gotten to reading it yet.

          I saw the relationship between Jim Bob and Michelle and loved how much they are in love after all these years and all these children, especially when it feels like all you hear about and see are exhausted, exasperated parents that barely have time to talk to each other - or all the divorce you see both in Hollywood and in your own neighbourhood. Sure, we are getting a peek into the Duggars life after 14+ children - we aren't seeing the early year struggles, juggling 4 or 5 young kids running around. We are seeing them after a few years of figuring things out, with the buddy system and chore jurisdictions, and with the older kids able to help with the younger ones.
          I saw the relationship between the oldest sisters and, honestly, was jealous. I never had a sister and always wanted a relationship like that. I watched as Jill and Derek courted and got married, as well as Jessa and Ben, and I saw the wedding preparations and everything and I cried. I want that kind of relationship with other women - blood sisters or not. I want wedding makeovers and the help of sisters/friends to decorate my house. The joy of trying on wedding and bridesmaids dresses, and shopping for wedding supplies or things for the house. Sure, it wouldn't be like the Duggars with 20 other people able to come help do renos or decorate, but I see the closeness and I just so want that.

I do not agree with all of the Duggars views, but I respect their convictions and how they model it for their kids. They want their kids to have servant attitudes and they take them on missions trips to help others, and look for ways to serve in their own city as well as cities they visit and being servants in their own home in helping out others. The kids respect and honour the parents and there is a respect for authority and elders in all the kids, even between the younger kids towards the older kids and vice versa.
And I love how much they love and cherish children and see them as a blessing instead of a burden. As I said, I don't agree with all of the Duggar views and I am definitely not against birth control and having the ability to choose the size of your family and the gap between kids. I figure if you want 2 kids but God wants you to have 3, He can work around birth control. There is also something called free will! But birth control and family size debates aside, I just love their view on children and how much joy they seem to have as a family. And viewers of the show watched the Duggars walk through some pretty big challenges, like the premature birth of their 19th baby, Josie, and the loss of baby 20, Jubilee. Watching them all come together to help and support one another as they walked through those difficult times was awesome. There are days I feel so over whelmed with 2 small kids and being pregnant and feel like I don't even have help to get the toys picked up or the floors washed - yet here's this family with built in help of all kinds. I want my family to be like that. We are not the Duggars, we aren't meant to be the Duggars and we don't plan on having 19 kids, but I do want to model some of our family goals and values after what I have seen in that show.

          So now it's out, the Duggars aren't as perfect as they seem - though they never did claim to be perfect.
You look up to this family and now it comes out that one of them is a sexual offender - which in the eyes of the world is pretty much the biggest sin you can commit. The worst of the worst - not just a sexual offender, but molesting under age girls (though I would add, Josh was also under age. Not saying he wasn't old enough to know better, just that he was also underage). The events surrounding the molestations are questionable. How soon, exactly, after Josh went and confessed to his parents about what was going on, did they do something about it? And what exactly did they do? Was counselling for Josh, as well as the girls, immediate? Or was it months, even years later? Was it voluntary? Or court mandated? And, exactly, what help did Josh receive? And did it help? Is he rehabilitated or is he a threat to his own children, or other young women?

These are all questions we'll never really have the answers too - when it comes to the rich and famous, to reality TV families, it's hard to know what's 100% fact and what isn't. Even in our everyday, "normal", not famous, families, the events surrounding something like this can be remembered and interpreted differently by each person involved. And of course, everyone wants to paint the picture in the best possible light.

          When I think about all that has come out about the Duggars, I have many different thoughts. I am first saddened by the entire thing and I am saddened for all people involved.
In the news, all I heard about was the wrong Jim Bob and Michelle did - which was apparently everything. I never heard anyone say "what would I do in that situation?". As a mother of two young girls, I have no idea how I would handle this situation. Josh was their son and he violated and hurt their daughters. How do you even begin to process and handle that? On one hand, you want to protect your daughters, on the other hand you want to help your son. How do you do both while still keeping the family "together" (and I don't mean not removing the offender from the household for a time). It's easy to hate a sexual predator, we all look at pedophiles and rapists as the lowest of the low. But what if that person was your own child? We all want sexual predators to pay for their crimes, and they should, but would you feel any differently if that predator was your own child and it was up to you to go to the authorities? Wouldn't you want to work with consolers and professionals to help your child?

          It's easy for us to judge and say we'd do this or that in any given situation, but until you're right in the midst of it, you really have no idea how you'll react. It's easy for us to look back 13 years and say, they did this wrong and that wrong, but I often think, maybe they did what they felt was best at that time. We're all human, and we all make mistakes, and looking back I bet there's lots of things we wish we had done, or handled, differently. But we live and learn and hopefully if we're ever faced with a similar situation in the future, we'll be better equipped to handle it.

          I am saddened that this family, along with so many others around the world, have had to and are dealing with something like this - it's tragic.
I am a little confused as to why they can release records of minors, like this, all over the news - even if it's redacted, being a famous family, it's easy for us to assume who the victims were. At least a decade after they figured all of this had been cleared up and it's all dug back up and put out into the open for everyone to judge and criticize. I feel bad for the girls, who may (or may not) have healed from these wounds and moved on in their lives, now having to relive it all again and this time in front of the cameras.

          And I wonder about forgiveness. For the most part, I see no forgiveness surrounding this story or towards this family. Everyone is mad - and rightfully so - but they make it seem that Josh has committed the unforgivable sin, when in fact, he has not. I believe a lot of people look at this family and think that the Duggars are trying to come off as "perfect" and as Christians who can do no wrong. I never got that from watching the show, but I can see how others could view them that way. When you live in a way that is so counter cultural, you draw a lot of criticism.
I never felt like they were trying to hide this from the world, in my mind, they probably figured it was dealt with and there was no reason for it to come out - everyone makes mistakes, you repent, you do what you can to make it right and you move on.
          I think we can all learn a lot from this horrible situation - how to not handle the situation, things that can be done differently, etc - as well as learn a lesson on forgiveness.
The bible tells us who will no inherit the Kingdom of God -

1 Corinthians 6:9-11(NIV)

⁹ Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men^[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. ¹¹ And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

This list includes the sexually immoral right along with thieves, the greedy and drunkards. What Josh did was wrong, there's no denying that, but his wrong isn't any worse than my wrong. In the eyes of the world, in the eyes of the law, Josh's wrongs are much worse than mine. But in the eyes of God, I am no better off.

Rather big or small, we all make mistakes and we all need forgiveness.
I pray that all those in the Duggar family that need counselling have received it, or will now that everything has come to light. I pray that there has been true forgiveness and restoration in their family and they can go on in their lives.
I pray that the events surrounding this controversy have led other victims to step forward to receive help and that the predators are also able to get the help they need. I hope the Duggar story can bring hope and healing to other families.
I will end with this scripture from Matthew. Here it is talking about forgiving others that have sinned against you - Josh Duggar hasn't sinned against any of us personally, but I think it's a good reminder of how important forgiveness is in the life of a Christian.

Matthew 6:14-15New International Version (NIV)

¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Why So Many Kids, and Why So Soon?

Most people understand having 2 kids close in age, but more than that and they look at you like you're crazy. How could I ever find the time or energy to deal with 3 or more kids, so close in age? 

Well, I haven't figured that one out yet, cause we are still waiting for baby #3 to arrive. Though I do hear 3 kids is tough, but anything after that is easy.

I was tired and, at times, over whelmed, with one baby. My first baby cried and at times I didn't know how to make it better. My first baby took forever (well it felt like forever anyway) to figure out nursing - let's face it, we were both new at it - and at times it felt like that's all I did. My first child has temper tantrums and outbursts that I have no idea how to handle. My first child is now in the midst of learning to potty train, but I tell you, there was a lot of diapers the first 3-3.5 years. And with potty training comes a lot of accidents and extra laundry.

I also found with the first, there's so many more questions. Everything is new and it's a lot of guess work. There's a lot of great advice out there, but every mom/parent and baby is different, so there's a lot of just trying new things and seeing what works for you and your baby. With the second (and I'm assuming any babies afterward) there are still times of questioning and new issues that arise, but it's less stressful. You have an idea of what works for you - what you're comfortable with as a parent - and most of the guess work is just trying to figure out who this new baby is and what works for them. I find you're also just calmer with your second baby, because though every baby is different, you learn faster what cries are important and when baby just wants some attention, or when the child is actually injured verses just a scrape.

            Our second arrived just 2 months before our first turned 2 years old. Our first was, for the most part, sleeping in her own room, all night, most nights. She was not yet near being potty trained. And despite it being called the terrible twos, she was mostly good - normal toddler things - but look out for 3! A whole new attitude emerged.

Our second picked up on breast feeding much easier and faster than our first - I wasn't new at it this time - but it still took time to sit down and feed. She was up during the night to feed, and there was more diapers. Laundry remained about the same as their clothes are so little and they have so many outfits, I could probably go 2-3 weeks and still be able to put together a half decent outfit for each girl - it does help having 2 of the same gender :).

            Yes my husband and I, at times, were exhausted, frustrated and had no idea what we were doing. But we love our daughters so much and they bring us so much joy, we decided we wanted another baby. And yes, it would be close in age to baby #2, who is close in age to baby #1.

I had originally wanted baby #3 to come when baby #2 was 18 months, but I did not get pregnant as quickly as I had in the past and baby #3 is due when baby #2 will be 21 months old. Which I am actually thankful for, since baby #2 is proving to have quite the attitude and temper. Her "terrible twos" are starting a little early I think. Oh plus there's always the joys of teething!

            Does having a difficult, or trying, or exhausting time with one child make me nervous about having a new born so soon, or regret getting pregnant so quickly? Not a all.

Ok, yes I am nervous about having 3 little people dependant on me (and their father) for everything and how will I handle it on days when I am home all alone? But I was nervous going from 0 to 1, from 1 to 2. I think that's only normal, and there is an adjustment period no matter what.

            I am already in the midst of chaos of raising small children, why wait for things to settle down before adding in a new born?

Why wait for all the kids to be out of diapers and fully potty trained just to add a new born and a couple more years of diapers? As much as there are days when I am so tired of poop and I never want to see another diaper again, the diapering stage really doesn't last that long.

Why wait for all the kids to be sleeping through the night, every single night, on their own, just to add a new born that, who, typically, needs to get up in the middle of the night to feed? I am blessed with two children who are good sleepers. Some nights, some weeks, it felt like I would never again get a full night of sleep. Our second daughter started sleeping through the night and on her own much sooner than our first. But then around 9 months she went through a growth spurt and spent about 2-3 weeks getting up every night and ending up in our bed  - yes, we co-sleep!! - and it was so frustrating. Now our baby is 20 months old and has been sleeping in the other room with her sister for a couple months now and has only joined us in bed again a handful of times. And call me crazy, but I am looking forward to having another little one join our family and once again share a room with us. If you're wondering how this affects our marriage and intimacy, don't worry about it, we've obviously figured it out, as this is baby #3, and sharing a room with baby is what works for us - aka, it keeps mommy sane.

I completely understand that not everyone is ready or even able, to have so many kids so close together. Some want more of a space, and that's normal. Some feel they can only handle one or two children, while others seem to thrive with a large family (4 or more kids).

What I don't understand is how people think 1-2 kids is ok, 3 if the first 2 are the same gender, but anything beyond that is just crazy. They don't want to be judged for only having 1 or 2 kids (or no kids at all), yet freely judge you for

having more.

My husband and I didn't set out on our adventures of parenting with a specific number of kids in mind. I knew I always wanted at least 2 kids, and I always liked the idea of having a large family (4+ children). But thinking about how many kids you want when you're a teen/young adult and embarking on that journey of actually having kids are two very different things. 

After our first was born, I totally understood how some people choose to only have one. Babies/kids are hard, exhausting work! But as time went on and we got into the swing of being parents, I totally understood how people could have 5 (or more) children.

After our first turned a year old I said, yes I am ready to have another, I want more kids. A month later I was pregnant and 9 months after that we had our second beautiful daughter! It wasn't long after our second was born that I felt like we were meant to have a third, even if I wasn't sure on the timing.

Most people have assumed that we got pregnant again, and so fast, in hopes of having the long sought after baby boy - like our daughters aren't amazing!! And as the time of delivery approaches nearer and nearer I keep going back and forth on what I'd like the gender to be. But in the end, it doesn't matter. I didn't set out to get pregnant in hopes of having a boy - though having a chance to raise girls and boys and to give our daughters a brother would be nice - I set out to have another baby. And I have to say from the ultrasounds, that's exactly what it looks like :).

People have told us that they hope baby #3 is a boy so that we will stop having kids (how ignorant!).... like it's any of their business how many children we have, or why we choose to continue having children. Will we have a 4th child, regardless of the gender of this one? I have no idea. My husband and I have always taken this one pregnancy and, so far, one baby at a time.

We haven't based the size of our family on what gender our children are. We have been grounded in our faith and we are trusting God with the number of children and the space between children, and we do that by going on how we feel - if we are at peace with having more or are uneasy on the idea. And I trust that if our timing isn't God's timing then we won't get pregnant - as I said earlier I didn't get pregnant this third time around as quickly as I thought I would - or if we're unsure about if we should try, I imagine God is big enough to work around birth control.

            It's our family, it's our income, our house, our sanity, and my physical body - I think that means it's our choice how many children we want, as well as the timing of our children. We want to be surrounded by others, family and friends, that support us, and love us and our family. We want to be around others who understand having more than 2 kids. We want to be around positive people who actually like their own kids - and preferably like our kids too if we're all going to hang out.

We don't need to be told how hard or exhausting it's going to be - it was hard and exhausting with one! We don't need people telling us our life will be over - our life as we know it may be over, but it's really just the opening of a new, exciting chapter in life.

So lets all be a little more loving and positive towards those we meet - rather a stranger in the grocery store struggling with unruly kids, our best friend, an acquaintance and even our own family members. Let's rejoice with them in the blessings of children, no matter the size of their family. Let's be there as a shoulder to cry on when things seem like too much to handle, and let's bring them a meal or baby sit their kids so they can have a break when a new born arrives or everyone in the house is sick.

Children are a tough, exhausting, amazing blessing! Let's keep that in mind no matter what stage in life we are at. 

What Is My Purpose?

For one of the ladies bible study’s I attend, we read through and watched the accompanying videos for, Your Beautiful Purpose - Discovering and Enjoying What God Can Do Through You - by Susie Larson.
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with questions about my identity, worth and purpose. As I am sure almost every person does, male or female, young and old, religious, atheist, or otherwise.
I think we all go on a continuing journey of self discovery. And as we get older and enter new chapters in our lives, our sense of identity, worth and purpose changes.
I think, for me anyway, we tend to look at our outside circumstances as a way of identifying who we are. I am a daughter (Daughter-in-law), a sister (sister-in-law), a niece, a wife, a mother. If we have a job or career, we can find identity in this as well. There are things about these identities that will always be a part of me. I will always be a daughter, even after my parents are gone. If anything were to happen to my brother, I’d still consider myself a sister. No matter what happens to my kids, I will forever be a mother at heart.
There’s also a downfall in gaining our identify solely with outward things. Jobs come and go. Divorce or death of a spouse changes how you would identify. The loss of your parents - though I’d still consider myself a daughter, I’d then also be considered an orphan.
Our outward circumstances are always shifting and changing, sometimes gradually, sometimes very suddenly. We are constantly having to adjust to our new worlds, those involved in them, and how we identify in these new changes. We must be careful where we find our sense of worth, identity and purpose.
Although it seems we are always entering a new chapter or phase in life, and that the only predictable thing in life is, change, I do believe we have an overall purpose for a life. Though there are times when this may change, or be different for a season, I believe there is an underlying purpose that is always the same.
We may be called to serve the less fortunate, but this will look different when we are in high school, newly married, young parents, or retired. At different times in life we will have more money or more time to give to the things that matter the most to us. When we are in high school we may feel called to go on missions trips, but once we are married and starting a family, we may still feel the call to missions but are better able to give financially to support someone else who can go.
I love reading books like Your Beautiful Purpose, because I get this hope that, finally, I will figure out what my purpose is! This book contains 12 chapters and has study questions, that include a short bible study, followed by discussion starters. Though I only made it to 2-3 of the 6 sessions of the actual group study, I actually took the time to go through all the questions at the end of each chapter and thoughtfully and honestly write out my answers.
I enjoyed the read, the questions were thought provoking, and the videos I watched were good. Yet here I am, at the end of it all, sitting here, wondering, what on earth is my purpose? Why am I here? What am I meant to do?
I’ve been sitting in this spot, asking these same questions, time and time again.
Ok, so I am a wife and I am to love and respect my husband. I am also a stay at home mom, so this should be easier, as I have more time to devote to being a help mate, by cooking, cleaning and helping to run the house (note, this does not mean my husband does nothing around the house, just that I have more time than he does, as he works full time).
To be honest, always being respectful and loving is easier said than done, but at least it gives me a goal to aim for. Is this really my sole purpose in life? I doubt it. I think it’s part of my life, and as a Christian wife, the bible calls me to be respectful and loving to my husband, but I believe there is more to my life than that.
I am a mother. God has, so far, entrusted to me two amazing, energetic, challenging, daughters. They challenge me every day, exposing the worst of my character flaws. They challenge me to want to be a better woman, wife and mother. I am suppose to raise these kids by example, and some moments, that’s really, really, really hard.
So part of my purpose is to raise my children to be half decent people in the world. To nurture their God given talents and abilities, to instill in them the best character traits and values that I can, and help them to be hard working, honest, contributing members of society. I am to love them with all I have, even when it’s the hardest thing and a situation calls for some tough love.
However, in the midst of daily life, in the midst of feeling extremely overwhelmed, on the days I can’t even bring myself to get dressed, let alone go conquer the world, when supper is take out again and the laundry is piled high, how am I accomplishing any of my Kingdom Purpose?
As a Christian, I believe God has a purpose for my life. Yes, as Christians, we are called to love God with all our heart, soul and strength, and to love others. We are called to be forgiving, compassionate and merciful. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27 NIV.  
How does all this apply to my life? What does loving others look like in my life? At this moment, I feel like I am barely taking care of myself or my family, and I have no money to give to other ministries. How can I love others, when I can barely even function? How can I bring a meal to someone in need when I am barely feeding my own family? How can I help someone out with free babysitting, when I am barely taking care of my own kids?
How is sitting in my house, in my pjs, kids only in diapers, crying over my laptop, fulfilling any Kingdom Purpose in my life?
How are dirty floors, cluttered countertops, overflowing master bedroom and piles of laundry, involved in my purpose?
As I said, I understand there are different seasons in life, and there are times when we can give more (sometimes time, sometimes money). There are times of waiting on God and times of great blessing and great accomplishment.
For me, however, I find that I am stuck. I may be in a time of waiting, but waiting for what? If I had a purpose, a goal, a dream, a vision, anything, I’d have a better understanding of what to do with my life. There would still be laundry and dishes, dirty floors and messy rooms, but when opportunities arise, if I had a vision or purpose in mind, I’d know what to say yes to and what to say no to. I’d see how and where volunteering what little extra time I have, would play into the large picture for my life. I would know what activities to get myself or my kids involved in, without overwhelming myself and my family, doing things that I think are good or right, without any real meaning or purpose behind them.
I guess, in the end, after it’s all said and done, I am feeling stuck and dry. Stuck where I am now, feeling completely overwhelmed with no hope of it ever changing (though deep down I know this isn’t true, it’s a hard mindset to break away from). And dry, with no dream in my heart, no vision for my future, no overall purpose for my life. I am just living my life, day in and day out, some days are good, others are ok, some terrible. I am trying to make the best out of my life as I can, mostly in survival mode right now. I watch others lives from afar and wish I could do some of the things they are able to do. I envy those who appear to be living life with a purpose, or are, at the very least, from the outside, happy.
I love my husband. I love my children. But I am definitely in a time of questioning and wondering.
What am I here for?

What is my purpose?
Am I where I am suppose to be right now?
If God is real and He still talks to His people today, why do I never personally hear from Him?
Is what I am doing all I am meant to be doing? Or is there more?
What is my purpose?

Why My Husband and I Tried for Another Baby...Not a Boy.

Ok, I maybe just a tiny bit bias here, but my husband and I have 2 of the most amazing daughters ever! They are beautiful, smart, hilarious, exhausting, and energetic and they are teaching me every single day what true love looks like. They stretch me every day, sometimes every hour, they show me my faults and are helping teach me how to be a better person. A better wife, mother, and woman.

Though I always love my children and am constantly amazed by them, there are many days I feel over whelmed. The constant mess in the house, the never ending diaper changes, the screaming, the unending questions, being a human jungle gym and snot rag... and they want to eat... every...single...day... more than once a day! Which I don't understand, because most of the food I give them ends up on the floor anyway.
In the midst of stress, chaos, and messiness, why in the world would we want another one? Why would we even consider the idea of adding to our family so soon?

Most people, ok no, every single person we have told, see our two girls, see the chaos and the mess (or at least hear about it on Facebook) and go "oh you must really want your boy!" "Oh trying for your boy eh?!" "Maybe this time it will be a boy!"
I know some amazing boys/men in the world. My husband, my father, my brother. The sons of my friends. The involved dads I see at church. Boys/men are great. With 4 out of the 6 in our family being female (this is including the dogs), having another boy around would help even things out a little.
But what is it with people assuming the only reason we want a 3rd child is because we must have our boy? (And I know for those families that have just boys, it goes the other way too). Our girls are amazing. I always wanted a boy first and I thought for sure our first would be a boy. Surprise, surprise, our beautiful baby was a girl! And, of course, I couldn't imagine my life without her. She has been my little mini me and my husbands little Princess Hulk since the moment she entered this world.
With our second, I had a strong suspicion it would be another girl. Most people I know have 2 of one gender and the 3rd is the opposite. So I figured, whatever we had first, the next would be the same gender. And I was right.
When my husband and I decided to try for a 3rd, it was because we wanted a baby. Babies are precious. Babies are a gift from God. We love our girls, but our family just didn't feel complete yet. I didn't feel like we were done. And for months now, we have been praying that however God wants to add to our family, He will. That could mean adoption, or another biological baby. It wasn't about boy or girl, but about adding another precious person to our family.

I have to admit, I am nervous about the idea of possibly having a boy. I know that, when baby is born, it won't matter, and like every baby, we'll figure it out as we go. But I have girls, I know girls, I am a girl. Just the other day I heard a story of a boy peeing up his shirt.... ummm... girls don't do that!! Ha-ha. I hear about boys always having their hands down their diapers/pants and feeling/playing with themselves. I know this is perfectly normal, but I am just in girl mode right now (not to say our girls never put their hands down their diapers!). I don't even know how I would handle all the things that come with having a boy, verses a girl. But I fully trust that God will expand our family as He sees fit and if that means we are to welcome a precious baby boy into our arms, then we gladly will.
And, as with our last two pregnancies, we will not find out the gender until the baby is born. Because, it doesn't matter. We were trying for a baby and as long as the ultrasound shows a human baby, we are thrilled. (If it doesn't look like a "human" baby, I will be scared...)
Girls are amazing, precious, and wonderful gifts. Boys are amazing, precious and wonderful gifts. Every baby is a gift. I would love the chance to raise children of both genders, but ultimately I am happy with whatever we have. And I am unwilling to put my hope in any gender. If I sat here hoping for a boy, but it was another girl, how would that shape my feelings towards that precious little girl? Or if I hoped for a girl, how would my feelings change if it was a boy? My girls are precious and this baby, whatever the gender, is precious, and that is all that matters.

Psalm 127:3-5The Message (MSG)

^3-5 Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?
    the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows
    are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
    with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you;
    you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep.