40 Weeks 6 Days... Who Knew?

My last blog was 39 weeks down 1 to go. I had no idea that almost 2 weeks later, I'd still be sitting here, large and very pregnant! 
     I've never gone past my due date before, so it never crossed my mind that my 3rd pregnancy in under 4 years would go over...and certainty  not by at least a week. 
I wouldn't care so much except the fact that my mom took time off work, flew here for 4 days to meet the newest grand baby and to help me out. She definitely did help me out, but she did not get to meet the baby (a huge disappointment for me - especially since this would be the first time my mom would get to meet one of my kids so soon after being born). I tried what I could to have this baby before Sunday, before my mom flew home, but now that she is gone, I am trying to stay pregnant for the next two days, cause my husband starts his week off on Wednesday. And I have until Friday to be induced. 
It's been a crazy and emotional extra 6 days. I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired and my thoughts and emotions cover a wide range of feelings. 
I knew I wanted a 3rd baby and planned to have this baby sooner (3 months ago), but now I am just nervous about being the mom to 3 young kids. I was so excited, and nervous, throughout the pregnancy, but as the end has come...and gone past... now I am just more nervous then anything.  And, though intellectually I know this can't possibly be true, part of me wonders if I am some how stopping myself from going into labour. That I am so scared and nervous, my brain won't allow my body to even start the process. Like having a shy bladder or something - I feel "labour shy". And though the pain results in a beautiful baby and is all worth it, I remember the pain of my second daughter and so I keep thinking "I want to go into labour....no, no I don't... of course I want to have this baby, but I don't want the pain... yes I do.. No I don't..." My second came "sunny side up" and I am super nervous about that happening again. And to top off all of that, being a week over due,  I am nervous this baby is going to be huge! My two daughters were relatively small - 6 lbs 11 ounces and 7 lbs - so in reality this "big" baby may be closer to the 8 lbs mark, but my over active and sleep deprived brain is picturing more of a 10 lbs baby. 
    I am also starting to get worried that this pregnancy is going to end in a c-section. Of course I want this baby born safely and want what's best for baby and me, but I really don't want it to end in a c-section! C-sections are hard to recover from and I have 2 toddlers running around, plus a new born, and my eldest starting school next week, and though my husband is a great helper, he'll be working long days. I know that just because baby is snug as a bug and taking it's sweet time entering the world, does not automatically mean a c-section. It's just one more of the worries going through my mind. 
And it doesn't help that I am up every 2 hours during the night and most nights I'll be up for 2-3 hours straight (like 430am-630am) and when I am lying down it's hard to breath and hard to get comfortable. So all my fears and worries are multiplied from lack of good sleep.  
I also feel like the whole entire world is watching me. In reality it's mostly just my parents and in-laws, but of course everyone on Facebook, those at the church who know me, all of my family and my husbands co-workers are all watching, waiting, or asking questions. It's adding to the "labour shy" - I have stage fright, OK!! And people keep worrying that my water is going to break at any moment and makes me feel like once that happens I'll bee 100% useless. I've never had my water break on it's own before, the doctor has always done that near the end of my labour. And even if my water did break, I am fully capable of stopping whatever it is I am doing (even pulling over if I am driving) and calling the necessary people to come and help me. There are things I haven't been doing much of because of the discomfort or pain from being pregnant, but I'm not broken!! And the people who need to know, will know, when I go into labour  and when the baby is born, followed by the official Facebook announcement! 
Even with all the stress, emotions and anticipation, I know that whether it's in a few hours from now, or in another week, soon this pregnancy will be over - and I do enjoy being pregnant and am soaking up feeling the baby moving around inside while I still can - and before I know it this little one will be in my arms and all these worries will mean nothing and will be replaced by a whole new set of worries and joys. 
This is a whole new experience for me and all I can do is take it one day at a time, and try not to psych myself out with every little cramp, back ache, or pain and continue to remind myself that nature will do it's thing, and if not I am on the induction list and will be induced by Sept 4th at the latest.
No matter what happens, I know that God is in control and this baby will come in His perfect timing, (obviously not in my preferred timing!) and everything will be ok.
Deep breaths, deep breaths!!! 

39 Weeks Down, 1 To Go.

My blog is called The McMurray Mama, but mostly I just write what's been on my mind and heart, and not necessarily about McMurray, mama things, or being a mother in McMurray.
Sitting at 39 weeks pregnant with Baby #3, I was thinking, maybe I should write more about being a mom and my journey into becoming a mom.
I must add that, although far from my family, I do enjoy being a mom in Ft.McMurray. It has its challenges, like being away from family and, being pregnant, the shortage of OBGYN's in town is definitely felt. But being in a town with a population around 100,000 with around 100 babies being born here every month, there is no shortage of things to do with your little one, or new moms to meet.

There is the support of  the local churches - the church I attend seems to have a wave of babies every year or so - as well as places like The Hub and so many resources I haven't yet needed or taken advantage of.
There are so many parks here, including water parks, as well as indoor  parks at the YMCA and Mac Island, as well as the library, which I love to go to with my kids. And although I am not a fan of wrestling young kids in huge crowds, there are tons of events happening all year around, which are great for families.

            My journey into motherhood started in Ft.McMurray when I was 23 years old and had been married for 11 months. We weren't yet trying to start a family, but I guess God decided the time was right, and one month before celebrating our one year anniversary, I got pregnant. Although, it wasn't until the month after that I confirmed the pregnancy and an ultrasound showed that I was 8 weeks pregnant.
Honestly, I was scared. I knew I wanted to have kids some day, but the idea of kids and the reality of kids, are two completely different things! My husband took the news better than I did, actually! I was excited but mostly scared and feeling unprepared. We were still living in my in-laws basement! Though we did move into our own place a month later.
I conceived in April 2011 so I suffered the worst of the morning sickness and ickiness of pregnancy during the summer and spent the larger months of pregnancy during the winter.
Since April of 2011, 52 months have passed. In those 52 months I have been a mom for 43 of those months and I have been pregnant a total of 27 of those months. It's crazy to think about how much can happen and change in 4 short years.
Though living in Ft.McMurray, we decided to have our first child in Edmonton. I was due in January of 2012, just a few weeks after Christmas. Since the roads are terrible during the winter and we'd already be down in Edmonton for Christmas anyway, we decided to just stay in Edmonton until after baby was born.
The last couple weeks of my pregnancy, I had an ultrasound every week because my OBGYN was nervous that I was measuring small. 2 days before my due date, I had no signs of labour - only the fact that I was 2cm dilated a week before my due date, which, let's be honest, doesn't mean anything - and I went in for yet another ultrasound. There they discovered that I had low fluids and sent me over to the hospital for induction. I woke up that morning to a phone call to come in for an ultrasound, with no thoughts of actually having a baby yet. I was still 2 days away from my due date, and most first time moms go past their due dates - and I told my OBGYN that I did not want to be induced unless medically necessary. Now here I was heading over to be induced. I was so not ready for this. My husband was an amazing support to me the entire time.
Labour and delivery went smoothly. I was induced around 10 or 11 that morning, January 10th, and was told I'd be having the baby that day or during the night.
Contractions hit hard around 7pm and I got an epidural. By 9:15pm, our first baby, a little girl, entered this world, making me a mom! I was still in shock. I couldn't believe it!! I was now responsible for this tiny little person. What in the world was I going to do?
The next day, as we got ready to leave the hospital, I held up our little girl and asked my husband to take a photo and I said "like mother, like daughter" and promptly burst into tears. They warn you about this - the crazy post pregnancy emotions - and it was then that it really hit me, I am a mom, I have a daughter. She is going to look up to me for everything!!! Such a powerful and very scary moment. And in the 3.5 years since then, it's been a crazy, emotional, fun, stressful and eye opening time. Being a mom stretches you and tests you in ways you could never imagine.. and it's only been 3.5 years! There's many more years of stretching, testing, and maturing to come.
            After our first turned a year old, I felt ready to try for another and when our daughter was 13 months old I got pregnant with our second. It was February, so again, we were expecting another winter baby, this time in November, just 3 weeks before my birthday. This time labour started on it's own and our second daughter was born 3 days early. The labour seemed much longer and a lot more painful than the first time around, which surprised me. I dilated to 9.5cm and stayed there for about an hour and a half before finally reaching 10cm. She came out "sunny side up" - ahhh, that explained everything!
When our second daughter was 9 months old, I decided I want to try for Baby #3. I didn't get pregnant as quickly as I had the first 2 times, and ended up getting pregnant after our daughter turned a year old.
I must say I am thankful for God's timing over my own, because our second daughter has been more of a handful than I was expecting. Not to say she is extremely difficult, just more than I was prepared for, with temper tantrums that include smacking her head, hard, against the floor, wall, whatever she can!!
Now I am 39 weeks, 2 days pregnant with Baby #3 and I have a doctors appointment in an hour, where they will do a membrane sweep. I am expecting that I will go into labour by the weekend. I am so excited, and ready to hold this baby, and at the same time, I am nervous and scared and in some ways will miss being pregnant.

My journey into motherhood was unexpected, but again I am thankful for God's timing over my own. Of course I love each of my children, and I am thankful that I have been able to have 3 kids before turning 30 - I figured if we do end up having a large family (4 or more), starting before 30 was in our best interest.
Being a mom has been rewarding and challenging - scary and exciting. I am looking forward to this next step in the journey of motherhood with Baby #3 expected at any moment!!! 

Duggar Family Dilemmas

News of Josh Duggar sexually molesting 5 young girls 13 years ago hit the fan while I was on vacation with my family. I read the articles as they came up and after getting back home, I bought and read the magazines. I kept up with the news, because anyone who knows me, knows I love the Duggars, but I have, for the most part, refrained from saying anything. I have been thinking about it since May, but haven't fully worked out what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it, I have been busy, and I have been lazy when it comes to writing.
Now, 2 months later, it seems like all the hype over the Duggars has settled. TLC has decided to cancel the show, and that's that. Everyone has moved on with their lives, complaining about a dentist and a lion, which will also blow over in a week or so.
When it comes to the lives of the rich and famous, things are interesting for about 5 minutes, then we all move on.

          I had heard about the Duggars before,  and when I was younger I watched the one hour TLC special and I think it was 14 Kids and Counting at that time. I never kept up with them, until last year I saw their show on Netflix and got totally hooked.

I know it's TV, I know that even though it's "reality" we don't see everything, but I loved how humble all of them seemed to be, I admired their strong convictions that they appeared to be living by, and I loved how well everyone seemed to get along (that's definitely "reality" TV right there). I have even read the book the 4 oldest girls wrote - Growing Up Duggar - and I have a copy of the book the parents wrote, but haven't gotten to reading it yet.

          I saw the relationship between Jim Bob and Michelle and loved how much they are in love after all these years and all these children, especially when it feels like all you hear about and see are exhausted, exasperated parents that barely have time to talk to each other - or all the divorce you see both in Hollywood and in your own neighbourhood. Sure, we are getting a peek into the Duggars life after 14+ children - we aren't seeing the early year struggles, juggling 4 or 5 young kids running around. We are seeing them after a few years of figuring things out, with the buddy system and chore jurisdictions, and with the older kids able to help with the younger ones.
          I saw the relationship between the oldest sisters and, honestly, was jealous. I never had a sister and always wanted a relationship like that. I watched as Jill and Derek courted and got married, as well as Jessa and Ben, and I saw the wedding preparations and everything and I cried. I want that kind of relationship with other women - blood sisters or not. I want wedding makeovers and the help of sisters/friends to decorate my house. The joy of trying on wedding and bridesmaids dresses, and shopping for wedding supplies or things for the house. Sure, it wouldn't be like the Duggars with 20 other people able to come help do renos or decorate, but I see the closeness and I just so want that.

I do not agree with all of the Duggars views, but I respect their convictions and how they model it for their kids. They want their kids to have servant attitudes and they take them on missions trips to help others, and look for ways to serve in their own city as well as cities they visit and being servants in their own home in helping out others. The kids respect and honour the parents and there is a respect for authority and elders in all the kids, even between the younger kids towards the older kids and vice versa.
And I love how much they love and cherish children and see them as a blessing instead of a burden. As I said, I don't agree with all of the Duggar views and I am definitely not against birth control and having the ability to choose the size of your family and the gap between kids. I figure if you want 2 kids but God wants you to have 3, He can work around birth control. There is also something called free will! But birth control and family size debates aside, I just love their view on children and how much joy they seem to have as a family. And viewers of the show watched the Duggars walk through some pretty big challenges, like the premature birth of their 19th baby, Josie, and the loss of baby 20, Jubilee. Watching them all come together to help and support one another as they walked through those difficult times was awesome. There are days I feel so over whelmed with 2 small kids and being pregnant and feel like I don't even have help to get the toys picked up or the floors washed - yet here's this family with built in help of all kinds. I want my family to be like that. We are not the Duggars, we aren't meant to be the Duggars and we don't plan on having 19 kids, but I do want to model some of our family goals and values after what I have seen in that show.

          So now it's out, the Duggars aren't as perfect as they seem - though they never did claim to be perfect.
You look up to this family and now it comes out that one of them is a sexual offender - which in the eyes of the world is pretty much the biggest sin you can commit. The worst of the worst - not just a sexual offender, but molesting under age girls (though I would add, Josh was also under age. Not saying he wasn't old enough to know better, just that he was also underage). The events surrounding the molestations are questionable. How soon, exactly, after Josh went and confessed to his parents about what was going on, did they do something about it? And what exactly did they do? Was counselling for Josh, as well as the girls, immediate? Or was it months, even years later? Was it voluntary? Or court mandated? And, exactly, what help did Josh receive? And did it help? Is he rehabilitated or is he a threat to his own children, or other young women?

These are all questions we'll never really have the answers too - when it comes to the rich and famous, to reality TV families, it's hard to know what's 100% fact and what isn't. Even in our everyday, "normal", not famous, families, the events surrounding something like this can be remembered and interpreted differently by each person involved. And of course, everyone wants to paint the picture in the best possible light.

          When I think about all that has come out about the Duggars, I have many different thoughts. I am first saddened by the entire thing and I am saddened for all people involved.
In the news, all I heard about was the wrong Jim Bob and Michelle did - which was apparently everything. I never heard anyone say "what would I do in that situation?". As a mother of two young girls, I have no idea how I would handle this situation. Josh was their son and he violated and hurt their daughters. How do you even begin to process and handle that? On one hand, you want to protect your daughters, on the other hand you want to help your son. How do you do both while still keeping the family "together" (and I don't mean not removing the offender from the household for a time). It's easy to hate a sexual predator, we all look at pedophiles and rapists as the lowest of the low. But what if that person was your own child? We all want sexual predators to pay for their crimes, and they should, but would you feel any differently if that predator was your own child and it was up to you to go to the authorities? Wouldn't you want to work with consolers and professionals to help your child?

          It's easy for us to judge and say we'd do this or that in any given situation, but until you're right in the midst of it, you really have no idea how you'll react. It's easy for us to look back 13 years and say, they did this wrong and that wrong, but I often think, maybe they did what they felt was best at that time. We're all human, and we all make mistakes, and looking back I bet there's lots of things we wish we had done, or handled, differently. But we live and learn and hopefully if we're ever faced with a similar situation in the future, we'll be better equipped to handle it.

          I am saddened that this family, along with so many others around the world, have had to and are dealing with something like this - it's tragic.
I am a little confused as to why they can release records of minors, like this, all over the news - even if it's redacted, being a famous family, it's easy for us to assume who the victims were. At least a decade after they figured all of this had been cleared up and it's all dug back up and put out into the open for everyone to judge and criticize. I feel bad for the girls, who may (or may not) have healed from these wounds and moved on in their lives, now having to relive it all again and this time in front of the cameras.

          And I wonder about forgiveness. For the most part, I see no forgiveness surrounding this story or towards this family. Everyone is mad - and rightfully so - but they make it seem that Josh has committed the unforgivable sin, when in fact, he has not. I believe a lot of people look at this family and think that the Duggars are trying to come off as "perfect" and as Christians who can do no wrong. I never got that from watching the show, but I can see how others could view them that way. When you live in a way that is so counter cultural, you draw a lot of criticism.
I never felt like they were trying to hide this from the world, in my mind, they probably figured it was dealt with and there was no reason for it to come out - everyone makes mistakes, you repent, you do what you can to make it right and you move on.
          I think we can all learn a lot from this horrible situation - how to not handle the situation, things that can be done differently, etc - as well as learn a lesson on forgiveness.
The bible tells us who will no inherit the Kingdom of God -

1 Corinthians 6:9-11(NIV)

⁹ Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men^[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. ¹¹ And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

This list includes the sexually immoral right along with thieves, the greedy and drunkards. What Josh did was wrong, there's no denying that, but his wrong isn't any worse than my wrong. In the eyes of the world, in the eyes of the law, Josh's wrongs are much worse than mine. But in the eyes of God, I am no better off.

Rather big or small, we all make mistakes and we all need forgiveness.
I pray that all those in the Duggar family that need counselling have received it, or will now that everything has come to light. I pray that there has been true forgiveness and restoration in their family and they can go on in their lives.
I pray that the events surrounding this controversy have led other victims to step forward to receive help and that the predators are also able to get the help they need. I hope the Duggar story can bring hope and healing to other families.
I will end with this scripture from Matthew. Here it is talking about forgiving others that have sinned against you - Josh Duggar hasn't sinned against any of us personally, but I think it's a good reminder of how important forgiveness is in the life of a Christian.

Matthew 6:14-15New International Version (NIV)

¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.