It’s that time of year again, when emotions are high, both good and bad.
The Christmas Spirit is in the air and people tend to be more forgiving and generous during this time.
On one hand, people seem more joyful, because, well, it’s Christmas. But on the other hand, they are more stressed, because, well, it’s Christmas.
The holidays bring about many good and bad emotions. Assuming you had a decent childhood, it can bring back fond memories of yearly traditions, along with fun, laughter and joy with family and friends. Or even memories of new, and old traditions, you do with your family now, and the joy around those.
But if its been a painful, hard year for you, or you experienced some tragedy around the holidays in the past, it can bring a mix of bittersweet emotions. Maybe a dear friend or relative passed away close to Christmas, or this is your first Christmas without them. The joy of the season is felt, but it’s mixed with the pain, grief, and loss of your loved one. It’s hard to mix old traditions with your new “normal”. You may even feel guilty for being excited, or enjoying the holidays without your loved one there.
Or maybe this Christmas you aren't dealing with the physical loss of a loved one but you’re still experiencing a mixed bag of emotions for other reasons. This is me this year. This Christmas is going to be good but different. I am excited, but I’ve cried at least twice now because of those differences. I am so excited for the differences but saddened too. And it makes my heart ache a little more for those who are grieving this Christmas, since my “griefs” aren’t really that bad.
In the past 7 years of being with my significant other (SO) we have always done Christmas with both his family and mine. My dad, his side of the family and my step mom all live in the same city as my brother-in-law & his family, so it has been easy to experience Christmas with both families (my MIL & FIL were living in Fort Mcmurray close to us but traveled for Christmas, like us, so we were always together). However, my mom and brother live in another province, and since I moved back to Alberta in 2007, I haven’t shared Christmas with them. This is something I am used to but it is still very hard for me.
This is our 4th year living 5 hours away from my family and in-laws and our 3rd year with having children of our own at Christmas. We have always made the drive down to see our family during this time of year, despite bad weather, driving conditions and a highway that experiences a high number of bad drivers and tragic accidents all throughout the year.
Last year I wanted to stay home and experience a nice, calm, quiet Christmas, in the comfort of our own home. Plus, last year, we had a 6 week old baby and I wasn’t looking forward to traveling. But, because my SO made plans to go snowboarding with a couple of friends he rarely gets to see, we decided to make the trip down and spend Christmas with the family again.
Christmas was wonderful and I am glad we went down, but our trip back ended in disaster and another 3 weeks away from home, including a week in the hospital with our oldest daughter and 3 months without our own vehicle. That accident determined for us, that this year, we would definitely be staying home for the holidays.
And I am so excited for it. I am excited to experience the Christmas Eve service for the first time ever at my home church! I am excited to see my girls get up Christmas morning to see all their gifts under the tree. I can’t wait to do our traditions in our own home, and to actually cook our own Christmas Dinner for the first time ever! And I am glad that, by staying home, we can be a blessing to others in our very own community and volunteer in ways we haven’t been able to in the past.
However, there is that mixed bag of emotions that is going around in me that I was talking about. Not only will I be missing my mom and brother this year, but all of my extended family. We celebrated with my mother and father-in-law in November, and it was a great day and so much fun and I am glad we were able to have that time. But there’s just something about celebrating Christmas with family on Christmas (or at least Christmas Eve or Boxing Day). Being the Fort Mcmurray Mama, I am definitely feeling the isolation of this small town in Northern Alberta. A town that many people come to to work and make money, but rarely is there the support of family close by and people just do not come up very often to visit you. Cost, a deadly highway, and the remoteness of this city tend to keep people away. And I feel that some people figure that you will come to whatever city they are in anyway, so you can visit than. I completely understand not wanting to spend the money on gas (& hotel if needed) to drive 5 hours on a highway that has a tragic accident almost every week, especially during the winter, around the holidays. This year, even we are not doing it. But because of this, I am feeling the isolation and the mixed emotions of not getting to see family. I really, really, really, want to be home for the holidays this year. Really...I do! I don’t want the stress of traveling with two young kids, and despite the Fort Mcmurray wages, we cannot afford 3 return plane tickets out of here (for a safer traveling option). But then I think of my grandparents… I lost my maternal grandma when I was just 9 years old, and I miss her desperately. Life is precious, family is important, and you just don’t know how much time you have. My maternal grandfather is still around but he lives in another province and travels so much, we rarely get to see him. My paternal grandparents both live in Edmonton and we get to see them when we travel there, and I am so thankful for that, but I am sad knowing we will not spend Christmas together this year. My oldest darling daughter (DD) absolutely loves spending time with her cousins, and it breaks my heart that we live so far apart and she doesn't get to experience having cousins that live close by that she can see on a regular basis. Especially around the holidays. And I so desperately wanted my children to have a close relationship with their grandparents, while I had the support of my parents & in-laws (but that is for another blog). All of these feelings of being isolated and missing my family are all coming to a head this Christmas season and I feel like an emotional basket case.
So, that’s my life right now. A roller coaster of emotions. I know Christmas is going to be fantastic and it’s my favorite time of year, I am just wrestling with all these emotions.
I pray that whether this Christmas is a tough one for you and your family, or a joyous occasion filled with family, that you will feel the Spirit of Christmas and you will find peace and hope.
Let us not forget those who are suffering this Christmas- grieving the loss of a loved one, struggling to make ends meet, those suffering from loneliness and depression, and even those who don’t have a home for Christmas.
God bless you.
Thank you for reading.
Saturday 20 December 2014
Tuesday 9 December 2014
Drowning
Ever feel like you're drowning? Like you’re treading water but not really getting anywhere. You can just keep your head above water, barely at times, but that’s about it. Maybe even your brain feels like mush and you cannot think clearly. If your thought is interrupted at all, you will lose it. Simple, everyday words, escape your memory. You’re frustrated because you give a long pause trying to think of what it is you wanted to say, then you are interrupted due to that long pause, resulting in your train of thought being completely derailed?
I know I cannot be the only one out there who does feel or has felt like this at times.
I am at a loss for what to do. I have heard of pregnancy/baby brain, but my baby is 13 months old now!
Things that can be tiresome to anyone, things that we all have to deal with, daily, just seem so overwhelming. I have 2 kids in diapers...poop happens! Sometimes too many times a day. It’s a part of life, and although at times it feels like it’ll never end, I know there is an end to the diaper changing days. At least, there should be! Why does it feel like too much?
We are so incredibly blessed here, and I am so thankful for everything I have. I love that I have a dishwasher, and that the never ending pile of dishes doesn’t need to be washed by hand. Yet I still find myself overwhelmed with the amount of dishes in our house. Even the clean ones! I think it’s a case of too many choices, too much clutter and an inability to find enough space to properly put away everything. As well as broken drawers (which will thankfully be fixed tomorrow!).
I am so grateful to have clean running water and a working washer and dryer (or in the case of a break down the money to replace them). I am grateful that I do not need to wash my clothes by hand or hang them from a line, especially during these long, cold winters. Washing and drying the clothes is relatively easy, it’s the folding that gets me… why is this part so tiring? Why must I always procrastinate to the point of being completely overwhelmed with the amount of laundry that needs to be folded?
I am so thankful that we have garbage and recycling pick up right in front of our homes, every single week. I know someone living right here in Canada that does not get garbage pick up! Hashtag First World Problems, Am I Right!? Why do I get so overwhelmed by the seemingly endless bags of trash and diaper genie bags? I know I don’t fill up the trash as much as larger families, and we are a family of 4 with, as I mentioned earlier, 2 little ones going through lots of diapers. It’s not like the amount of garbage surprises me (which truthfully really isn’t that much), just on days I am already feeling overwhelmed, the full garbage under the sink is just one more thing on my over taxed brain.
I am so very grateful to have a new, safe, warm vehicle, with remote start, front and rear heating and even heated seats. I am so very blessed. But some days, leaving the house and dealing with 2 very active little ones, complete with non stop talking and at times temper tantrums, when feeling so very tired, just feels like more than I can handle. But then the thought of being stuck inside the house with these high energy little ones seems even more stressful than the stress of taking them out of the house. There are times it is a daily battle in my mind whether or not I should leave the house.
I am so overwhelmed, the thought of a structured schedule sounds like an amazing idea, but the thought of putting one together seems like more than I can mentally and even physically do. It’s like a budget, you know you should do one and live by one, but it’s so much more convenient to just spend the money when it comes in wherever you can. Or a diet, we all know we need to eat healthier and that it will make us feel better, but that chocolate, bag of chips, (insert tempting food here), is so much easier to grab for, and even temporarily satisfactory.
I know I desperately need a routine but at the same time the thought of a routine makes me feel trapped. I so badly want a daily quiet time with God. I want to get up before my kids with enough time to do hair and makeup (on days I want to do it), time to read my bible and possibly work on a bible study, and time to eat a real, proper breakfast (I just can’t survive on a few cookies, handful of junk food or a slice of Mocha Bread), AND get my kids dressed and feed them a decent breakfast.
I have always been a night person and prefer to stay up until 1-2am and sleep until 10am but life generally warrants you to be a morning person. And, surprisingly this has nothing to do with having kids. Some kids will be morning people, definitely, but when the parents are not morning people, I have found (With my 2 kids so far), that means you can have non morning kids too. Having kids that sleep in late in the mornings, is a blessing and a curse. It’s great when you’re tired and just need that extra sleep, but it’s tough when you need to be out the door 1-1.5 hours earlier than your kids normally wake up.
Being a mom of two young girls means that, most of the time, my house is a disaster. And my complete lack of being able to keep anything organized, is another thing adding stress to my everyday life. I understand that there will be dishes left in the sink and toys on the floor, but my entire life I have never been good at keeping things neat and tidy (I totally blame my parents for this, who are both neat freaks! Love you guys :) <3 ). I lose things constantly. Important things, even things I use on a daily basis. I have organization contains, files, etc, but it just doesn’t seem to help. Who has the time? When I do have free time I want to be doing something more fun, like knitting, than going through papers.
I have asthma, just ask my husband how many times I misplace my inhaler (daily!). We had to order new health cards for my daughter… got them, lost them. I can’t find the beautiful locket my husband bought me for Christmas 4 years ago (at the moment this one has me the most upset). I know the solution to these many problems and stresses I face seems blatantly obvious to most people. I know how easy it is for others to tell me what I should do, or what has helped them. I know that these stresses could easily be fixed. But for me, it doesn’t seem easy at all. The organization and cleaning tips seem easy, quick, and so helpful, yet I just get frustrated, upset, and overwhelmed.
Too many people have a pristine looking home, with kids expertly groomed and behaving like angels, marriages that seem perfect, and fairy tale looking lives, while on the inside they are falling apart. They wear the mask but they are crumbling on the inside. I won’t say that I am completely honest, 100% of the time. I can’t say I never wear a mask, even unknowingly at times. I can’t say that I don’t try to impress others. I won’t say that I don’t worry about what others think of me, because I do. But my outside world is pretty much a reflection of what my inside world looks and feels like. A mess. Chaotic. Hectic. Stressful. Overwhelming. What you see is what you get, which is a good thing. I just wish I had a better handle on things!
I know I cannot be the only one out there who does feel or has felt like this at times.
I am at a loss for what to do. I have heard of pregnancy/baby brain, but my baby is 13 months old now!
Things that can be tiresome to anyone, things that we all have to deal with, daily, just seem so overwhelming. I have 2 kids in diapers...poop happens! Sometimes too many times a day. It’s a part of life, and although at times it feels like it’ll never end, I know there is an end to the diaper changing days. At least, there should be! Why does it feel like too much?
We are so incredibly blessed here, and I am so thankful for everything I have. I love that I have a dishwasher, and that the never ending pile of dishes doesn’t need to be washed by hand. Yet I still find myself overwhelmed with the amount of dishes in our house. Even the clean ones! I think it’s a case of too many choices, too much clutter and an inability to find enough space to properly put away everything. As well as broken drawers (which will thankfully be fixed tomorrow!).
I am so grateful to have clean running water and a working washer and dryer (or in the case of a break down the money to replace them). I am grateful that I do not need to wash my clothes by hand or hang them from a line, especially during these long, cold winters. Washing and drying the clothes is relatively easy, it’s the folding that gets me… why is this part so tiring? Why must I always procrastinate to the point of being completely overwhelmed with the amount of laundry that needs to be folded?
I am so thankful that we have garbage and recycling pick up right in front of our homes, every single week. I know someone living right here in Canada that does not get garbage pick up! Hashtag First World Problems, Am I Right!? Why do I get so overwhelmed by the seemingly endless bags of trash and diaper genie bags? I know I don’t fill up the trash as much as larger families, and we are a family of 4 with, as I mentioned earlier, 2 little ones going through lots of diapers. It’s not like the amount of garbage surprises me (which truthfully really isn’t that much), just on days I am already feeling overwhelmed, the full garbage under the sink is just one more thing on my over taxed brain.
I am so very grateful to have a new, safe, warm vehicle, with remote start, front and rear heating and even heated seats. I am so very blessed. But some days, leaving the house and dealing with 2 very active little ones, complete with non stop talking and at times temper tantrums, when feeling so very tired, just feels like more than I can handle. But then the thought of being stuck inside the house with these high energy little ones seems even more stressful than the stress of taking them out of the house. There are times it is a daily battle in my mind whether or not I should leave the house.
I am so overwhelmed, the thought of a structured schedule sounds like an amazing idea, but the thought of putting one together seems like more than I can mentally and even physically do. It’s like a budget, you know you should do one and live by one, but it’s so much more convenient to just spend the money when it comes in wherever you can. Or a diet, we all know we need to eat healthier and that it will make us feel better, but that chocolate, bag of chips, (insert tempting food here), is so much easier to grab for, and even temporarily satisfactory.
I know I desperately need a routine but at the same time the thought of a routine makes me feel trapped. I so badly want a daily quiet time with God. I want to get up before my kids with enough time to do hair and makeup (on days I want to do it), time to read my bible and possibly work on a bible study, and time to eat a real, proper breakfast (I just can’t survive on a few cookies, handful of junk food or a slice of Mocha Bread), AND get my kids dressed and feed them a decent breakfast.
I have always been a night person and prefer to stay up until 1-2am and sleep until 10am but life generally warrants you to be a morning person. And, surprisingly this has nothing to do with having kids. Some kids will be morning people, definitely, but when the parents are not morning people, I have found (With my 2 kids so far), that means you can have non morning kids too. Having kids that sleep in late in the mornings, is a blessing and a curse. It’s great when you’re tired and just need that extra sleep, but it’s tough when you need to be out the door 1-1.5 hours earlier than your kids normally wake up.
Being a mom of two young girls means that, most of the time, my house is a disaster. And my complete lack of being able to keep anything organized, is another thing adding stress to my everyday life. I understand that there will be dishes left in the sink and toys on the floor, but my entire life I have never been good at keeping things neat and tidy (I totally blame my parents for this, who are both neat freaks! Love you guys :) <3 ). I lose things constantly. Important things, even things I use on a daily basis. I have organization contains, files, etc, but it just doesn’t seem to help. Who has the time? When I do have free time I want to be doing something more fun, like knitting, than going through papers.
I have asthma, just ask my husband how many times I misplace my inhaler (daily!). We had to order new health cards for my daughter… got them, lost them. I can’t find the beautiful locket my husband bought me for Christmas 4 years ago (at the moment this one has me the most upset). I know the solution to these many problems and stresses I face seems blatantly obvious to most people. I know how easy it is for others to tell me what I should do, or what has helped them. I know that these stresses could easily be fixed. But for me, it doesn’t seem easy at all. The organization and cleaning tips seem easy, quick, and so helpful, yet I just get frustrated, upset, and overwhelmed.
Too many people have a pristine looking home, with kids expertly groomed and behaving like angels, marriages that seem perfect, and fairy tale looking lives, while on the inside they are falling apart. They wear the mask but they are crumbling on the inside. I won’t say that I am completely honest, 100% of the time. I can’t say I never wear a mask, even unknowingly at times. I can’t say that I don’t try to impress others. I won’t say that I don’t worry about what others think of me, because I do. But my outside world is pretty much a reflection of what my inside world looks and feels like. A mess. Chaotic. Hectic. Stressful. Overwhelming. What you see is what you get, which is a good thing. I just wish I had a better handle on things!
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