5 Years of Motherhood

Today marks the day I become a mother, 5 long, yet oh so short, years ago. As I have heard said before, the days are long and the years short. How true it is!
Technically I could say I  became a mom in April of 2011 when I conceived. I could say I became a mom in May of 2011 when I took a test that confirmed my pregnancy. Or in June when I had my first ultrasound to date the pregnancy and I found out I was 8 weeks, 1 day pregnant.
But I didn’t feel like a mom back than. I had terrible morning sickness from about 6 weeks till 16 ish, weeks. I enjoyed feeling the baby moving around inside my womb, which was fascinating and weird, and I loved watching my baby grow through the ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy (and being sure to tell them every time “we don’t want to know the gender!!! I was so worried they would let it slip!). But I did not feel like a mom.
On a Tuesday in January of 2012, 2 days before my due date, 3 days before I hoped to give birth (which would have been Friday the 13th), I was called in for my last ultrasound. My fluids were low and they sent me across the street to the hospital where they would induce me and in about 12 hours I would meet my baby.
I was scared. I wasn’t ready to be a mom yet! I wasn’t ready when I peed on that stick 8 months before and I wasn’t ready now as I stood in line waiting to register and be brought up to labour and delivery. This was my first pregnancy, my first baby, and I told my OBGYN that I did not want to be induced unless absolutely necessary. And here I was, 2 days before my due date, being induced and my OBGYN had the day off!
That evening, after 9pm on Tuesday, January 10th, 2012, our first baby, a baby girl, entered the world, making me a mother, making my husband a father! It was incredible and amazing, and shocking and I was in disbelief until the next day. We did not have a name for our little girl that night but sometime around 4am we settled on Sophie, meaning wisdom. We chose Marie for her middle name after both my grandmothers, both named Mary, my maternal grandmother having passed away in 1997. And my husband's family being French, we felt that Sophie Marie also sounded French :)
5 years ago, I gave birth to an amazing, 6 pound, 8 ounce, sweet little baby girl and I felt nowhere near ready to be a mother. 5 years (and 2 more children) later, and I still feel nowhere near ready to be a mother! Being a mother is an incredibly trying, difficult, hard, amazing, rewarding, exhausting, joy filled, stretching, breaking, rebuilding experience.
In one breath you want to run away forever and never look back, in the next you can’t believe how blessed you are to call these amazing, little humans, your children. On one hand you question your sanity in ever having one (then more) children and in the next moment, baby fever hits you HARD! On one hand I feel like I started my mothering journey when I was “so old” but on the other hand I think, how can I possibly be old enough to have 3 kids, including a 5 year old!
In 5 years of parenting, and with 3 children, I have learned that I am not strong enough to be a mother. I don’t have what it takes. Not on my own, not in my own strength. God gave me these incredible children, challenges and all, and I count myself beyond blessed. I am also married to a man who is the most incredible father and who balances me out so well. Without him, I do not know what I would do. But I do know that without God, I would be a complete mess and I would either run away forever and not look back, or I would be in the psych ward having gone completely mad!
You want to know a little secret? God does give you more than you can handle! God wants you to completely trust in Him and come to Him and surrender to Him and allow Him to sustain you. God wants my old habits and old life, and sin wrecked flesh to be torn down, broken apart, dead and buried, and He wants me raised up to new, abundant, joy filled, free life, walking not in the flesh but in the power of His mighty Spirit.
God didn’t just give me these children to mold and shape, teach and nurture, but to mold, shape and teach me!  
God gave me Sophie Marie 5 years ago, making me a mother, growing and nurturing a mother’s heart within me.
Sophie is wise, as her name suggests. She is hilarious, making all of us laugh, which is an everyday reminder to a prayer I had prayed over me and the child within my womb 3 days before she was born. She is caring and compassionate, always thinking about her younger siblings and trying to help me out. She is incredibly smart and her memory astounds me!
Happy 5th Birthday Sophie! Mommy loves you!! May God continue to guide, teach, shape and mold me, as I walk through this ever changing and challenging journey of parenting and learning how to discipline, nurture, teach and shape you. May I see the way God has made you and call out all your strengths, gifts and talents, while also teaching you to be humble, never thinking of yourself greater than you ought to, but putting others before yourself. May I be able to teach you how to be a strong, powerful, Godly woman of influence, while also being compassionate and loving towards others.
Sophie, you are a strong, funny, compassionate, beautiful girl of God. May God’s face continue to shine upon you, may His Spirit guide you, may your path be lighted by the Light of Jesus and His Truth be the foundation of your life.
God bless you, baby girl <3

Too Long for a Status Update

Between the fighting, crying, whining, and blaming, I hit a metaphorical wall. I wanted to turn on a movie and silence their little mouths. A nice screen trance would settle the tumultuous waters. Instead, I sent everyone to their bedrooms until I give the word.
We have to deal with rather than anesthetizing tension with TV or video games. It's easier to bypass relational snags with a convenient distraction, forfeiting the chance to improve problem solving and listening skills. I don't want my kids to be more comfortable interacting with a computer screen than a human being. We stay the course until we've resolved an issue, not allowing “Phineas & Ferb” to fill the space Instead. This is harder and requires more time, but my kids will marry people and have bosses and children. Learning healthy relational skills is now or never.  - 7, An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker.

If we are dying of thirst, passively reading books about water quenches little; the only way to quench the parched mouth is to close the book and dip the hand into water and bring it to the lips. If we thirst, we'll have to drink.
I would have to do something. - One Thousand Gifts, A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp.

I am reading these two books together, and I think they go really well together! I did not intend it that way. I bought 7 back in June while still in BC and I read 1000 Gifts 2 years ago as part of a women’s Bible study. I had decided I wanted to reread 1000 Gifts starting October 1st, as it is Thanksgiving this month and that is what the book is about. I had finished a parenting book at the end of September and was looking to start another book and instead of waiting 3 days to start 1000 Gifts, I picked up 7. I guess they were just meant to be read, together!
Both these books come at a time where I am so done with all the excess in our lives and I am getting ready to purge more of our stuff. I have known for awhile that I need to do a fast involving food (so many health issues and feeling disconnected from God) and I am completely overwhelmed and stressed by the amount of stuff in our home - mainly clothes and toys.
Last week I went through 3 boxes of my girls old baby clothes and donated one box worth and I went through 3 black garbage bags of stuffed animals and donated one bag worth. It’s a start and I am counting it as a victory. I know I could get rid of a lot more and I should go through it all again but I am thankful for progress. I am also going through my own clothes and getting my husband to donate some of his clothes as well. I will also being going through all our DVD’s and I have gone through our bookshelves a few times in the past. It seems like every time I organize our stuff or do laundry there is something else I am throwing out or donating, and it feels good! Soon I am going to be getting rid of a lot of toys, I just need to prepare myself first lol.
I am also tired and frustrated with Facebook. It sucks away my time and energy and I rarely get off Facebook feeling happier or more joyful. Usually I am mad or sad about something in the news or feeling very discontented with life. I just need a break!

Physical Health and Mental Well-being.

For the past 5 years I have either been pregnant, breastfeeding or chasing around a toddler. I got pregnant with my first in April 2011 and baby number 3 just weaned from breastfeeding in June 2016. So for the past 2.5 months I have not been pregnant or breastfeeding, only chasing around 3 tiny little humans.
For as long as I can remember I have had health issues including; headaches, trouble sleeping, fatigue, nausea, what I have figured is IBS, allergies and chronic health issues including asthma and eczema. Add to this morning sickness (since I was at least 13 I have dealt with feeling nauseous daily, pregnancy just added actually being sick to that), pregnancy induced restless nights, bouts of heartburn, pain in my back/hip from pregnancy, low iron, newborn babies, breastfeeding, infections from breastfeeding, being pregnant while chasing a toddler and working full-time, being pregnant while chasing 2 toddlers, having 2 dogs, giving up a dog, teething (lots and lots of teething), more sleepless nights with newborns, more breastfeeding, more infections AND this spring a mass evacuation from my home and city. This all adds up to one very exhausted, very sick, very frustrated and easily irritated momma!

Everyday I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Yes, I know the scriptures (even if I can’t quote them verbatim), telling me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and that when I am weak, Christ is strong and even youths will grow tired and weary but the Lord will lift me up on wings like eagles. I believe in God’s Truth and I know these scriptures, along with all of God’s Word, are true and powerful and apply to me. I can name it and claim it all day long - but really, I am so tired and as a momma of 3 littles, most days I can barely think straight, never mind walk around quoting and claiming scriptures and just resting in the arms of Jesus.
I listen to Christian music (99% of the time ;) ), I listen to sermons and Christian talk radio on my iPod, I go to church every Sunday, I read my Bible and I read a LOT of Christian books (both fiction and nonfiction). I am steeped in the Christian world. But I’m still tired and I still struggle with being sick. I don’t believe this is a lack of faith or not praying hard enough, I think I am just stuck.
  Or at least at a crossroads, with my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being.

I know I need to make some serious changes to my lifestyle. I know I need to do something like a Daniel Fast and cut out pretty much everything from my diet for at least 21 days, in order to try and find out what is causing me so many issues. I know I need to set up, and stick to a routine. I need to work on getting regular exercise and getting adequate sleep. I need better time management.
The physical ailments are not only hard physically, but hard mentally as well. I believe our mental and spiritual well-being are closely related to our physical health. It’s hard to be emotionally or mentally well (aka stable!) when you are exhausted and sick all the time. And, personally, it’s hard to connect with God and have a healthy spiritual life, when you’re exhausted, sick and mentally overwhelmed and stressed.
I want to start a journey in seeking God, seeking physical health and mental well-being. I want to say I am starting, but, honestly, I am a procrastinator and I am extremely lazy and I have been putting off starting this journey for a very long time. For far too long, it’s been all talk and no action. I think what I really need is a partner, or 2, in this journey, where we can encourage and push each other along. Someone to work out with (which I do have) and someone to share healthy recipes with and maybe even cook with. Someone who is also a Christian and looking to deepen their relationship with God. I do have my husband, and he is my best friend and biggest support, but it would be nice to do this journey with another woman or even another couple.

Whatever happens next, however this journey plays out, I am hoping to keep journaling about it. In October I am going to an allergist, so I am hoping that is one step in the right direction for getting physically healthy, and I am thinking about going to a Naturopath for extensive blood work to find out all my allergies/intolerances. I will also be getting a membership at the gym as a step towards weight loss and strength building. And I am thinking in January 2017 I will be doing a 21 day fast. I am really going to need help and encouragement with that one!  

One step, one day, one healthy decision at a time. I am tired of being tired. I am sick of being sick. I need to do something to get better. As my physical health continues to be bad, I can see my mental, emotional, and spiritual health declining.
I am definitely feeling very messed up and completely overwhelmed. Not sure how I am going to make the changes I need to make but praying I can figure out how and where to start and continue on this journey.

Thanks for sharing with me in one small way by reading this blog! I have written a lot more about this, but wanted to keep this somewhat short. So thank you for reading and I hope you continue to follow me as I journal my way through life! Leave a comment and let me know you’ve visited my blog and what you think!
Until next time! God bless.

Through the Fire - One Evacuees Story

I never made it back home.
I got turned away. Traffic was jammed. I needed gas. I couldn’t get home. Should I go south towards Edmonton? North towards the camps? We agreed on north. I was able to get gas, praise God! I went to go north but I was turned south. North was grid locked, south was open again. The officer told me to go south. I called my husband. I couldn’t get a hold of him, all I knew was that he was home and waiting for his mom.
I had to head south, away from my husband, away from our oldest daughter, away from my mother in law. I was texting another friend who was stuck downtown and I had just heard on the radio that downtown was now under a mandatory evacuation. He had no way of getting out so I told him to hitch a ride with anyone. I kept calling my husband, but my phone kept dying and reception was spotty. I was getting really frustrated at this point.
I finally got a hold of my husband. I told him I was going south and to try to head south but if it’s safer, go north. I drove through smoke. I saw small flames on the hill. I saw fire on roof tops. The Super 8 and Denny’s were in flames, it was almost completely gone. The emergency alert had gone over the radio several times in the last couple hours. There was no “this is just a test”. This was no test. This was real. Everyone must evacuate. Stay calm and leave as quickly as possible.
I was a few kilometers outside the city when I had to pull over to nurse the baby; my husband, daughter and MIL were still stuck uptown.
I was pulled over, facing south. I saw clear blue skies. I looked behind me, at my city, my home, back to where half my family sat, for hours, on top of a hill, slowly inching toward safety. Looking north, it was black. The smoke was thick. Vehicles, all heading south, passed by me, 5km/h. The northbound lanes, all heading south. The only ones going north were emergency vehicles.
As I drove, as I pulled over to feed the baby, as I made phone calls, and stayed in contact with my husband, names kept going through my mind. The worship leader at our church, he’s a firefighter, he’s staying behind to fight this thing. His brother as well. Another from the church, a part of my bible study, her husband is also a firefighter. It was Tuesday, tomorrow was our wrap up for the Wednesday evening Bible Study. We had a farewell party planned for one lady, an RCMP Officer, who was moving on to BC. These people were staying to fight this fire and get everyone out to safety. Would they be ok? How long would they be separated from their families? The only prayer from my lips was “Jesus… Jesus… Jesus... “
I had to pull over just south of Fort McMurray, when I knew I was out of immediate danger. I had been traveling for hours with the kids. Baby was poopy and hungry. My middle child was hungry. Thank God I had just bought $260 worth of groceries; I was able to pass my child some fruit and a yogurt while I nursed our baby in the front seat. After I had the children somewhat satisfied, I took the dog out to stretch then continued on south, slowly inching forward, further away from my husband, daughter and MIL, who were still stuck up down. Further down the road I had to pull over again. I needed the break. I wanted to close the gap between myself and the rest of my family. For hours I traveled south while my husband continued to text me - we’re still on Confed. Traffic not moving.
It was a nightmare. I text my husband around 10:55pm, I had just passed the 1km to Wandering River sign. I was 200KM south of Fort McMurray. There were vehicles parked on both side of the road and the line getting into Wandering River reached from the gas stations to the 1KM sign. I did not need gas but I needed to get out with the kids. My little girl had been crying since the Wandering RIver sign that she wanted to go home and sleep in her own bed. Baby needed another change and some food. We all needed to get out and stretch and refuel...on coffee. At 10:55pm I had texted my husband “I am 1KM outside Wandering River”. Now, at 11:55pm I text him “just pulled over in Wandering River”. I had traveled 1KM in 1 hour! I was 200KM’s south of Fort Mac. I still had roughly 250KM to go.

We have been out of our home for over 4 weeks now. We will be going back tomorrow but it will only be for one night. A chance to assess any damages, to tape up our fridges and deep freezer and to grab what we can (and to finish the load of laundry I started that day 4 weeks ago!). We will be living away from home at least another month, possibly longer.
It has been a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. It is such a weird situation that we find ourselves in. Our small family, along with tens of thousands of other families and individuals, are all in the same boat. We all have different stories, different challenges. We have scattered all over the country. Some have lost everything. Others still have their home standing. Some will return, others will be moving on. Tens of thousands of stories, all different, yet all connected. I watch the news and it’s me they are talking about. The evacuees are myself, my family, my friends, my church, my city.  I have never been part of a major news story before. Never been part of a small news story before. It’s weird. I see the signs across Edmonton, everywhere I go, “donate to Red Cross here, all money goes to Fort McMurray and helping the evacuees”. “20% off to all Fort McMurray evacuees”. “Free entrance to evacuees”. It’s weird. It’s amazing. It’s humbling.  The Bible tells us that is it more blessed to give than to receive. I have always read that and thought, but in order for me to give, someone has to receive. You cannot give without a receiver. Now, I am the one on the other side of that equation - in a big way. My family and I, we are so very grateful. Without all the givers, we would be at a complete loss. We pray that those giving are blessed in return. We pray that someday we will also be able to give to others in need.
From the bottom of one evacuee’s heart - Thank you. On behalf of my family - thank you. These past 4 weeks have been a long 4 weeks.
The first week was completely overwhelming and exhausting. We were barely thinking straight, barely functioning. We had a lot coming at us, a lot to figure out, a lot to do. All of the help and support was overwhelming and amazing. Bless you! Bless you all.
This journey isn’t over yet. We still have a lot of questions to work through. We still have a few weeks to go before we can go home to stay. But we are making the best out of a bad situation and taking this time to spend with family and friends that we normally don’t have enough time to be with. I am working through a lot right now and I am hoping to journal more and post to my blog more. Thank you to all my readers, all 5 of you, for taking this journey with me.

Defining Moments

They say there are moments in life that define you and change you. Moments that mark time and everything is either before or after that moment.
I have had several of these moments in my life. Deeply personal moments that have forever changed the way I view my life. Moments that have marked my marriage, my family, and now my entire city.
I live in an area that doesn’t see a lot of natural disasters. We get a lot of snow, forest fires come close and one year we had some major flooding downtown. I watch tragedy happening around the world, everything from bombings and school shootings to natural disasters. My heart goes out to these people and these communities, but, to be completely honest, these events are quickly things of the past and I have moved on with my life.
We don’t have cable at our home and I stopped getting the newspaper, so any media and news I see is on Facebook, so it’s easy for these events to move quickly from my mind.
At the end of April I decided that I needed a Facebook break and would be off of Facebook from May 1st till May 7th. I was tired of constantly being connected yet feeling completely alone. It felt like my life was being drained away from constantly being on Facebook and I knew that I just needed a break.
May 1st was a Sunday. My husband was at work. I went to the 11:30am service at my church. My mother in law was there and helped with the kids. I went to take my 8 month old son to the nursery but there was no one there to watch him so I sat in there with him. One other girl came in but her dad stayed with her. I didn’t have Facebook to keep me distracted and I had forgotten my book at home. I spent some time on my phone and just played with the baby. It was a pretty uneventful, normal Sunday.
That evening I was outside on our deck reading while the kids played. My mother in law texted me about a fire outside the city. She told me she saw smoke. I saw and smelt nothing. It was my first day off of Facebook but I figured it would mostly be people posting photos of the smoke, the same as when it snows in May and every single person feels like they must put it on Facebook in case someone missed it. I took the kids for a walk around 8pm and saw the cloud of smoke. I didn’t think much about it because there seems to be fires every year and a few times they have come close. From what I heard there were 5 fires spread around the city, but they were under control.
The Sunday before, my husband had taken the baby to the hospital because of laboured breathing and that following Wednesday I took him to the doctor and was given antibiotics for bronchitis. That Monday, May 2nd, I kept our 4 year old home from school since the smoke was bad and air quality was poor. My baby was fighting bronchitis and I have asthma, so I wanted to avoid the outdoors as much as possible. Plus, I wanted a lazy day at home.
Tuesday, May 3rd, the smoke was still bad, fires still burning, but I was not worried. I knew people in areas that were being evacuated to Mac Island and I was concerned for them and those areas but it still didn’t seem that bad. I took my daughter to school because I wanted to go grocery shopping. It was the first Tuesday of the month and I was going to take advantage of the 15% off. I took a few photos of the smoke and got my kids inside the store as quickly as possible, due to the smell outside.
I had a lot of plans for that shopping trip and took my time selecting what I needed to start off my new healthy eating lifestyle.
My friend lived across the street from the store and I texted her when I arrived to see if she would be interested in just walking around with me so we could hang out and chat while still accomplishing errands. She said she had just gotten home and was tired, but maybe next time. I text her a few more times and sent out a few other texts, but my 2 children were getting hard to control and I was busy with trying to shop so I put my phone away.
It was just after 2pm when I was finally checking out and very frazzled and couldn’t wait to get home, change the baby and just “relax” inside the house. I missed a phone call from my husband and figured I better call him back and noticed I also had 12 missed text messages. He answered the phone and I was stressed but trying to be calm as I was holding the baby, trying to keep the toddler from falling out of the cart and paying for groceries. He asked where I was, “I’m busy, I’m grocery shopping, the kids are fighting, what do you want?” was my very clipped, trying to hold it all together, annoyed reply. He told me that the fires were getting pretty bad, parts of the city were being evacuated and that he would be heading home. Oh...
So it’s day 3 of being off of Facebook, we don’t have cable and I rarely listen to the radio. I saw the smoke but was otherwise blissfully unaware. I said to the lady who helped bag my groceries and was getting ready to help me to my van, that my husband called me because of the fires. I mentioned my oldest being in school and she told me she had heard they were evacuating the schools. I called my mother in law who works at the same school and couldn’t get an answer. I still wasn’t worried though. I figured that, as the librarian, she was probably making phone calls and helping with the evacuation, if that school was being evacuated.
My friend called to ask if I could get her boys because she was on the other side of the city and couldn’t get to them. I saw that my gas tank was low and when I looked at the gas station across from the grocery store, it was lined up to the street. That’s when I started to think, this can’t be good. Everyone was driving away from my neighbourhood while I drove towards it.. Ok now it really doesn’t look good.
I ran inside and grabbed some cash, important papers and the dog. I fully intended to pick up my friends kids and come back home to wait for my husband and pack up a bag just in case. I had turned on the radio as I left the grocery store and listened as they told us to stay calm and be prepared. I drove towards the school, my mother in law called to tell she had been busy calling parents. I told her I was going to pick up my friends kids, she warned me not to go and I should have listened. I told her to bring my daughter back to her house and I would get her afterward. I traveled south while every other person went north. I got the phone call from my friend not to worry about her kids, they had been evacuated, someone else had them. I turned around intending to go home, to meet up with my husband, daughter and mother in law.
I never made it back home.
Suddenly, I was in the midst of a natural disaster, one that would be viewed around the world.
As I left Save On Foods that afternoon around 2:15pm the lady helping me to my van made a comment; “it’s going to be a long day”. We had no idea just how true that statement would turn out to be.

If It Is Important To You, You WILL Make The Time For It.

“We should get together sometime soon”, “yeah definitely, we’ll make plans”.
“Hey we should go for lunch or grab a cup of coffee, I haven’t seen you in forever”, “I know, I’ve been super busy. That would be nice”.
“Look how much your baby has grown!” “I know, it goes so fast! We need to get together for a play date soon….”

We’ve all been a part of these conversations and we all know where they lead.. no where! The plans are never made, the coffee drank alone as the babies continue to grow faster than weeds with no scheduled play dates.
I think for the most part, it’s not that we don’t want to hang out with these people and we actually are busy.  We’re moms with young kids, some in school, some not, some in full day school the others in half day. Some of us work, some don’t. Add to that husbands schedules that are more than just Monday to Friday and it can be hard to get out. Or if you’re single you don’t have the partner there to watch the kids while you get out for that coffee, sans kids.
    It’s hard to find time for everything - we all need some alone time to just relax and maybe even do a hobby. We all need date nights with our husbands (or again, if you're single you might want to go on a date once in awhile). We need time with our own friends and we need time with couple friends. We need time for our families. We need time to prepare and cook meals and time to clean the house. And most of us have activities that our schedules must work around, from school to dance to swim to sports.
I am not here to say life is not busy.
I’m not here to say that we’re not stressed or overwhelmed.
I’m not even saying that some of us aren’t just a little… ok maybe a lot… sleep deprived.
But let us be really honest for a second.  If something is important to us, we make the time for it.
I am having a hate relationship with mornings right now. The kids aren’t sleeping well, I’m tired, I’m up late, I toss and turn and wake up sore, and I just want to sleep in in the mornings. But then comes Sunday and I make myself get out of bed early enough to look decent, get the kids ready and head off to church. Why? Because church is important to me.
I am trying more and more to get my butt up early in the mornings so that I can go to morning bible studies and moms groups and to get into a better morning routine so that I am not stressed and pressed for time every day because we’ve slept in. But if it’s been a really long, hard night and I need that extra half hour of sleep, I am being extra lazy, or the kids are being extra terrible, I sleep in and we stay home from different activities. But when it comes to Sunday mornings, despite a bad sleep, I get up to go because it is important to me.
This year I want to deepen my relationship with God, which means carving out some quiet time. This is not going to be easy for me and it’s been a struggle. But I know that if it is important to me, I will make it a priority and I will find the time. This will mean either going to bed much earlier so I can get up before the kids to get some of that precious quiet time, or it will mean taking out some screen time. What I have to decide is, what is more important to me? Quiet time with God or TV? In the end, no matter what I say, it will be my actions that speak the loudest.
I am overweight, never exercise and my eating habits are terrible. I want to feel better physically, I want to lose the extra pounds around the middle, I want to be stronger physically and I want to eat better and ultimately feel better. So far my laziness and lack of self control haven’t gotten me there.. Darn! I do know though that, if I want to get in shape, eat better, sleep better and feel better over all, I need to put in the time and effort. I need to intentionally practice self control, put down the spoon, buy fruit and veggies instead of chips and ice cream, and exercise more. I know that the things that are worth doing take time and effort. I know that a great life doesn’t just happen but we must work for it.
We have to be intentional.
And just like I am not going to lose 20 pounds by sitting here saying and thinking things like “I need to eat healthier and exercise more”, “one day I will go to the gym”, “I feel crappy. Someday I will eat healthy”, my friendships are not going to grow saying things like “we should hang out sometime”.
When something is important to us, we make time for it. We get intentional and we make it a priority. If we already have a friend and we say that person is important to us, we will make the time to see them. Or if we have an acquaintance that we would like to spend more time with and develop a stronger friendship, we will make the effort to make that happen.
Are we busy? YES!!! Do unexpected things happen, like a cold or flu, a dead car battery or a really rough night that requires a lazy day? YES! Life happens. We need to walk in grace and forgiveness and understanding. But if we want lasting friendships that go beyond the quick Sunday conversations after church or while juggling babies in Sunday School, and a quick hello as we pass by in the grocery store, than we need to be intentional. We need to go for those coffee dates, even if you only have half an hour between dropping kids off at an activity. Or a two hour lunch date once a month. Or if you have kids around the same age, get together for that play date so you don’t need to find a sitter.
I know there are other things I’d rather do most days than being social. I drop my daughter off at school and I think, I could go shopping, or if my younger kids both just happen to nap at the same time I could watch some TV while I work on a knitting project. I could take that 3 hours to prepare snack and dinner for that night and clean up a little. There is a lot of things I could fill that 3 hour window with, while my daughter is at school, most of which are antisocial. But what is one afternoon once a week? Or twice a month?
I want to develop stronger friendships with the people in my life. I am tired of being alone all the time. But friendships take work and sacrifice.
I think it’s incredibly sad that I have lived in the same, small(ish) town for 5 years and in that time I have always gone to the same church, yet I don’t have any close friends here in town. I know a lot of people and have gone a little deeper than just an acquaintance with several, thanks to bible studies and moms groups, but I still feel like I don’t have any really close friends. (I am trying to be less antisocial and go out to bible studies, moms groups and women's events when I can).

I have one friend from high school that I would say is my best friend right now. We don’t live in the same city and only see each other several times a year. We’re in different stages of life (I am married and have 3 kids, she’s in a serious relationship without kids) and we’re both busy - me with kids, her with working in camp 21 days on, 7 off.  Thanks to technology, we are able to stay connected. It still takes work and intentionality. We hand write each other letters, on average every few months. We text almost daily, plus there’s email and even Pinterest. We share a lot through technology and the few times a year we actually get to see each other, we get to pick up right where we are with little catch up, because we’ve been intentional to stay in touch. Side note - I find this even more impressive because she doesn’t have Facebook.
My friendship with her is important to me, so I make the effort to stay connected - and thankfully she reciprocates.
I go on Facebook and I see the things people are sharing. The good, the bad, the ugly. Let’s be honest, people tend to put their best on social media. But every once in awhile I see the heartfelt posts, the “things are not going to well today” posts, the really honest, brave posts. And I see those and I am glad I can connect with people near and far and share in their joy and in their pain. But how connecting is it, really, to read a few words on a screen without ever having the personal, face to face connection? How deep can you go in a text or private message?
I find that it is easier for me to “open up” behind the safety of a screen. If things get a little to uncomfortable, or I strongly disagree with you, or things get a little heated, I can just “walk away” from the conversation. Or I can push my point, even be mean, and not feel the consequences as strongly, because I am not actually face to face with these people. It’s incredibly hard to be open, honest and vulnerable with the person sitting beside you, or across from you.
I am finding, more and more, that I want real life, face to face connection. It’s a lot harder than hiding behind a screen and a hell of a lot scarier too. It’s more work - it may take you 10 minutes to read this, which took me maybe an hour to write - and you may feel a connection to what I am saying, agree, share the post, whatever, then you’ll move on and forget about it a week later.
Real life friendships and connection take time and effort. Connection won’t happen over one conversation or in one afternoon. It takes many play dates, coffee breaks, lunches… it takes doing life together. It takes coming over for meals and rejoicing together over our victories. It means sharing our struggles and praying together. It means being there for one another during the hard times. You build a relationship by being there, by bringing over meals or babysitting when you know they need a break. You build friendship by helping one another, which means humility and vulnerability on both parts.
Some days you just want to stay home, ignoring the world and praying your problems will go away. I think we all need those kind of days once in awhile, and that’s ok. But we’ll never grow, be stretched or mature if we’re always hiding behind closed doors and screens. Maybe you’ve been praying for an answer to a problem you’ve been having, and God has your answer out there, but you just want to stay inside and ignore the world. You’ll never find your answers ignoring the world, no matter how tempting it might be.
Relationships, like all of life, grow because of intentionality on every ones part, stepping out of your comfort zone and putting yourself out there.
Personally, I know that I need to put in the work to put myself out there, make the effort to go out to different events (I feel like I’m dating again LOL) and I need to be willing to open up and share. And I need to learn to not be so awkward, if someone opens up to me. I need to be intentional and just pray that I meet someone else who is in the same place I am (looking for a good friend) who is also willing to be intentional. And just maybe my husband and I will be able to find another couple that we get along with, where we all share a few things in common (not too many things because that would be boring!), who are also willing to be intentional.
My challenge to you this week, this month, in this new year, is to be intentional in life, to stretch yourself, to step outside your comfort zone, and go make a friend. Either make some time for an old friendship that has drifted apart, or even go make a new friend!
We’re all busy and we don’t have time to have a dozen super close, tight, awesome friends, but we all need 1 or 2 good friends we can turn too, and better yet at least one other couple (if you’re married) that you can get support from when it comes to marriage struggles.
Go - be a good friend. Be intentional. Live life on purpose.

I'm Tired

I'm tired.
And I don't mean physically, though I am physically tired. I would say on most days I am feeling more rested then when I was pregnant but being physically tired now doesn't help my emotional state one bit.
Mostly I am emotionally tired, which is much harder to deal with then the physical side.
Health wise, I don't feel too good. My asthma has been bad lately - I am thinking due to stress - and I am constantly using my inhaler, which is not helping my sore throat. And my allergies have been bad for awhile and I get an itchy mouth, throat and ears, and I really need to see a specialist. My skin has been very dry, especially around my mouth, which is also red and itchy and looks terrible. I need a lot of help from a lot of different specialists, when it comes to my body and health.
These health issues and frustrations just add to my mental fatigue and all the issues I have been having. People ask me how I have been and all I can really say is "ok", "fine", "good" because, well, what else do you say? What else can I say? I go to Walmart with a list of things I know I need to get, and I just wander up and down the aisles, feeling lost, because I can't remember a single thing, and I just keep repeating in my head "ok, what else was it I needed?". On a good day I remember to add everything to my list of things I need, but usually I am busy yelling at kids or feeding a new born, or zoning out on the computer or watching Netflix, that I forget what I need to add to my list.

I'm tired.
I am tired of yelling! During my very short delivery, the doctor got more hands on than I was expecting, and I let out a bloody curdling, ear piercing scream, that left my throat sore and scratchy. That was 24 days ago and it hasn't gotten much better. My throat hasn't had much time to actually heal, because I haven't stopped yelling since I got back from the hospital.
I hate yelling at my children. I hate seeing the results of yelling at my children (And the dog) - they yell at me, they yell at each other, they yell at the dog. It's constant yelling from everyone in the house. I try to ask or tell the girls things nicely, calmly. I try to explain. I try to be patient. It just doesn't work! I feel like I have to scream and yell to get my point across, which prompts my oldest to ask why I am mad at her, or to say I am mad at her sister and not her. It's terrible. I don't want my kids growing up thinking that I am mad at them all the time, or thinking that yelling is an appropriate way to communicate. I just have no idea how to teach them what the words "no", "wait", "don't do that", "stop", etc, all mean. It's hard for me to do much physically when I am sitting down and breast feeding. When I say "don't open the door and go outside", I want them to hear my words and obey them! When I say "get out of the dishwasher" I want them to get out of the dishwasher. I don't want to have to resort to yelling and spankings. When I say "no you cannot go play downstairs, please close the door" I want them to listen! When they don't listen, it adds extra stress in my life. I don't want them running out the door and getting hit by a passing vehicle, I don't want them to cut their hand on a sharp knife or break a glass from the dishwasher, and when they open the basement door, they allow the dog to go down there and then I have to get up and chase her back upstairs. It's all very annoying and very stressful. I guess no means no, unless it's from a parent to a child, then no means absolutely nothing! 
      I know, I know, this is every single parents struggle. Every parent has to deal with this issue on some level or another. I know I am not the only one who goes through this. I guess with recently being pregnant and now having a new born, it's just been more exhausting and irritating than usual with the lack of sleep.  

I am tired. 
I'm tired of my girls fighting. I am tired of hearing them yell at each other and of them complaining to me about what the other is doing. I am tired of the younger one hitting, biting and pulling the hair of the older one. I am tired of the older ones attitude. I am tired of the constant battle that is parenthood. 
I know that every parent deals with these kinds of issues at some point, but when I am out I see so many kids that are calm, quiet, reserved, gentle, and who listen to their parents the first time, and I can't help but think, where am I going wrong? Why does every, single, tiny, little thing have to be a battle? I see how well my daughter listens to my friend/roommate who helps me out a lot with watching the kids. She seems to listen with little to no problems at all, and always wants to be around her. Where am I going wrong? I have to plead with her all the time to just brush her hair, she goes downstairs and comes back with a pony tail, braids, whatever. Why??? Clean up is a fight, my friend tells her "clean up all your toys and then come down and play" and my daughter jumps up and starts cleaning! 

I know every parent feels inadequate, I know every parent feels judged on some level. I know all of us parents are trying as hard as we can, and there are times we will fail, there are times we'll yell, there are times we will just want to run away from it all. It's hard! Whether you have 1 kid, 3 kids, or more, parenting is tough work.
I know that the house will be messy, that it will take 10X long than it should to get out of the house, I know that siblings fight, and I know sleep is scarce is a little one.
I know, I know, I know...
I'm just tired.…