It’s that time of year again, when emotions are high, both good and bad.
The Christmas Spirit is in the air and people tend to be more forgiving and generous during this time.
On one hand, people seem more joyful, because, well, it’s Christmas. But on the other hand, they are more stressed, because, well, it’s Christmas.
The holidays bring about many good and bad emotions. Assuming you had a decent childhood, it can bring back fond memories of yearly traditions, along with fun, laughter and joy with family and friends. Or even memories of new, and old traditions, you do with your family now, and the joy around those.
But if its been a painful, hard year for you, or you experienced some tragedy around the holidays in the past, it can bring a mix of bittersweet emotions. Maybe a dear friend or relative passed away close to Christmas, or this is your first Christmas without them. The joy of the season is felt, but it’s mixed with the pain, grief, and loss of your loved one. It’s hard to mix old traditions with your new “normal”. You may even feel guilty for being excited, or enjoying the holidays without your loved one there.
Or maybe this Christmas you aren't dealing with the physical loss of a loved one but you’re still experiencing a mixed bag of emotions for other reasons. This is me this year. This Christmas is going to be good but different. I am excited, but I’ve cried at least twice now because of those differences. I am so excited for the differences but saddened too. And it makes my heart ache a little more for those who are grieving this Christmas, since my “griefs” aren’t really that bad.
In the past 7 years of being with my significant other (SO) we have always done Christmas with both his family and mine. My dad, his side of the family and my step mom all live in the same city as my brother-in-law & his family, so it has been easy to experience Christmas with both families (my MIL & FIL were living in Fort Mcmurray close to us but traveled for Christmas, like us, so we were always together). However, my mom and brother live in another province, and since I moved back to Alberta in 2007, I haven’t shared Christmas with them. This is something I am used to but it is still very hard for me.
This is our 4th year living 5 hours away from my family and in-laws and our 3rd year with having children of our own at Christmas. We have always made the drive down to see our family during this time of year, despite bad weather, driving conditions and a highway that experiences a high number of bad drivers and tragic accidents all throughout the year.
Last year I wanted to stay home and experience a nice, calm, quiet Christmas, in the comfort of our own home. Plus, last year, we had a 6 week old baby and I wasn’t looking forward to traveling. But, because my SO made plans to go snowboarding with a couple of friends he rarely gets to see, we decided to make the trip down and spend Christmas with the family again.
Christmas was wonderful and I am glad we went down, but our trip back ended in disaster and another 3 weeks away from home, including a week in the hospital with our oldest daughter and 3 months without our own vehicle. That accident determined for us, that this year, we would definitely be staying home for the holidays.
And I am so excited for it. I am excited to experience the Christmas Eve service for the first time ever at my home church! I am excited to see my girls get up Christmas morning to see all their gifts under the tree. I can’t wait to do our traditions in our own home, and to actually cook our own Christmas Dinner for the first time ever! And I am glad that, by staying home, we can be a blessing to others in our very own community and volunteer in ways we haven’t been able to in the past.
However, there is that mixed bag of emotions that is going around in me that I was talking about. Not only will I be missing my mom and brother this year, but all of my extended family. We celebrated with my mother and father-in-law in November, and it was a great day and so much fun and I am glad we were able to have that time. But there’s just something about celebrating Christmas with family on Christmas (or at least Christmas Eve or Boxing Day). Being the Fort Mcmurray Mama, I am definitely feeling the isolation of this small town in Northern Alberta. A town that many people come to to work and make money, but rarely is there the support of family close by and people just do not come up very often to visit you. Cost, a deadly highway, and the remoteness of this city tend to keep people away. And I feel that some people figure that you will come to whatever city they are in anyway, so you can visit than. I completely understand not wanting to spend the money on gas (& hotel if needed) to drive 5 hours on a highway that has a tragic accident almost every week, especially during the winter, around the holidays. This year, even we are not doing it. But because of this, I am feeling the isolation and the mixed emotions of not getting to see family. I really, really, really, want to be home for the holidays this year. Really...I do! I don’t want the stress of traveling with two young kids, and despite the Fort Mcmurray wages, we cannot afford 3 return plane tickets out of here (for a safer traveling option). But then I think of my grandparents… I lost my maternal grandma when I was just 9 years old, and I miss her desperately. Life is precious, family is important, and you just don’t know how much time you have. My maternal grandfather is still around but he lives in another province and travels so much, we rarely get to see him. My paternal grandparents both live in Edmonton and we get to see them when we travel there, and I am so thankful for that, but I am sad knowing we will not spend Christmas together this year. My oldest darling daughter (DD) absolutely loves spending time with her cousins, and it breaks my heart that we live so far apart and she doesn't get to experience having cousins that live close by that she can see on a regular basis. Especially around the holidays. And I so desperately wanted my children to have a close relationship with their grandparents, while I had the support of my parents & in-laws (but that is for another blog). All of these feelings of being isolated and missing my family are all coming to a head this Christmas season and I feel like an emotional basket case.
So, that’s my life right now. A roller coaster of emotions. I know Christmas is going to be fantastic and it’s my favorite time of year, I am just wrestling with all these emotions.
I pray that whether this Christmas is a tough one for you and your family, or a joyous occasion filled with family, that you will feel the Spirit of Christmas and you will find peace and hope.
Let us not forget those who are suffering this Christmas- grieving the loss of a loved one, struggling to make ends meet, those suffering from loneliness and depression, and even those who don’t have a home for Christmas.
God bless you.
Thank you for reading.
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