Drowning

Ever feel like you're drowning? Like you’re treading water but not really getting anywhere. You can just keep your head above water, barely at times, but that’s about it. Maybe even your brain feels like mush and you cannot think clearly. If your thought is interrupted at all, you will lose it. Simple, everyday words, escape your memory. You’re frustrated because you give a long pause trying to think of what it is you wanted to say, then you are interrupted due to that long pause, resulting in your train of thought being completely derailed?
I know I cannot be the only one out there who does feel or has felt like this at times.
I am at a loss for what to do. I have heard of pregnancy/baby brain, but my baby is 13 months old now!
Things that can be tiresome to anyone, things that we all have to deal with, daily, just seem so overwhelming. I have 2 kids in diapers...poop happens! Sometimes too many times a day. It’s a part of life, and although at times it feels like it’ll never end, I know there is an end to the diaper changing days. At least, there should be! Why does it feel like too much?

We are so incredibly blessed here, and I am so thankful for everything I have. I love that I have a dishwasher, and that the never ending pile of dishes doesn’t need to be washed by hand. Yet I still find myself overwhelmed with the amount of dishes in our house. Even the clean ones! I think it’s a case of too many choices, too much clutter and an inability to find enough space to properly put away everything. As well as broken drawers (which will thankfully be fixed tomorrow!).
I am so grateful to have clean running water and a working washer and dryer (or in the case of a break down the money to replace them). I am grateful that I do not need to wash my clothes by hand or hang them from a line, especially during these long, cold winters. Washing and drying the clothes is relatively easy, it’s the folding that gets me… why is this part so tiring? Why must I always procrastinate to the point of being completely overwhelmed with the amount of laundry that needs to be folded?
I am so thankful that we have garbage and recycling pick up right in front of our homes, every single week. I know someone living right here in Canada that does not get garbage pick up! Hashtag First World Problems, Am I Right!? Why do I get so overwhelmed by the seemingly endless bags of trash and diaper genie bags? I know I don’t fill up the trash as much as larger families, and we are a family of 4 with, as I mentioned earlier, 2 little ones going through lots of diapers. It’s not like the amount of garbage surprises me (which truthfully really isn’t that much), just on days I am already feeling overwhelmed, the full garbage under the sink is just one more thing on my over taxed brain.

I am so very grateful to have a new, safe, warm vehicle, with remote start, front and rear heating and even heated seats. I am so very blessed. But some days, leaving the house and dealing with 2 very active little ones, complete with non stop talking and at times temper tantrums, when feeling so very tired, just feels like more than I can handle. But then the thought of being stuck inside the house with these high energy little ones seems even more stressful than the stress of taking them out of the house. There are times it is a daily battle in my mind whether or not I should leave the house.
I am so overwhelmed, the thought of a structured schedule sounds like an amazing idea, but the thought of putting one together seems like more than I can mentally and even physically do. It’s like a budget, you know you should do one and live by one, but it’s so much more convenient to just spend the money when it comes in wherever you can. Or a diet, we all know we need to eat healthier and that it will make us feel better, but that chocolate, bag of chips, (insert tempting food here), is so much easier to grab for, and even temporarily satisfactory.
I know I desperately need a routine but at the same time the thought of a routine makes me feel trapped. I so badly want a daily quiet time with God. I want to get up before my kids with enough time to do hair and makeup (on days I want to do it), time to read my bible and possibly work on a bible study, and time to eat a real, proper breakfast (I just can’t survive on a few cookies, handful of junk food or a slice of Mocha Bread), AND get my kids dressed and feed them a decent breakfast.
I have always been a night person and prefer to stay up until 1-2am and sleep until 10am but life generally warrants you to be a morning person. And, surprisingly this has nothing to do with having kids. Some kids will be morning people, definitely, but when the parents are not morning people, I have found (With my 2 kids so far), that means you can have non morning kids too. Having kids that sleep in late in the mornings, is a blessing and a curse. It’s great when you’re tired and just need that extra sleep, but it’s tough when you need to be out the door 1-1.5 hours earlier than your kids normally wake up.

Being a mom of two young girls means that, most of the time, my house is a disaster. And my complete lack of being able to keep anything organized, is another thing adding stress to my everyday life. I understand that there will be dishes left in the sink and toys on the floor, but my entire life I have never been good at keeping things neat and tidy (I totally blame my parents for this, who are both neat freaks! Love you guys :) <3 ). I lose things constantly. Important things, even things I use on a daily basis. I have organization contains, files, etc, but it just doesn’t seem to help. Who has the time? When I do have free time I want to be doing something more fun, like knitting, than going through papers.
I have asthma, just ask my husband how many times I misplace my inhaler (daily!). We had to order new health cards for my daughter… got them, lost them. I can’t find the beautiful locket my husband bought me for Christmas 4 years ago (at the moment this one has me the most upset). I know the solution to these many problems and stresses I face seems blatantly obvious to most people. I know how easy it is for others to tell me what I should do, or what has helped them. I know that these stresses could easily be fixed. But for me, it doesn’t seem easy at all. The organization and cleaning tips seem easy, quick, and so helpful, yet I just get frustrated, upset, and overwhelmed.

Too many people have a pristine looking home, with kids expertly groomed and behaving like angels, marriages that seem perfect, and fairy tale looking lives, while on the inside they are falling apart. They wear the mask but they are crumbling on the inside. I won’t say that I am completely honest, 100% of the time. I can’t say I never wear a mask, even unknowingly at times. I can’t say that I don’t try to impress others. I won’t say that I don’t worry about what others think of me, because I do. But my outside world is pretty much a reflection of what my inside world looks and feels like. A mess. Chaotic. Hectic. Stressful. Overwhelming. What you see is what you get, which is a good thing. I just wish I had a better handle on things!